Day 699: All Change

Mouse

Things I am currently very grateful for:

Dog equipment. When I first got these girl dogs, I spent so much on endless bits of gubb to deal with them. Some bits have lain dormant and have been passed on to other users, but the bits I give thanks for daily are the two secure slip-leads that keep these girls safe, the 15-metre long lead that lets me catch a Mouse when the need arises and the divider that lets me walk them on one lead, long or short, so they can run and chase even when their potentially deathy escapeeism and rabbit-focussed absconding habits mean I can't let them run free (Baba did an A-road on a rabbit chase. Luckily no dogs or humans were hurt).

I'm grateful for the soft blankets they sit on, that I sit on too, and for not having invested £50 in a massive, posho dog-bed for them to ignore and/or chew to shreds. I'm grateful for free bones from the butcher, which keep them happy for hours on end. And I'm grateful for Michelle and her lovely boarding place. My girls have had much too much time there recently, but they wag when they see anyone who works there and they come back healthy and confident. 

A recent visit to London, Ruth and the Ladies' Pond made me ache with Muswell Hill and London nostalgia. I saw the Grundel face to face! Turns out he's not an on-screen chimera like 1980s icon Max Headroom. He's real, and he works in the trendiest office in the actual world, just off Brick Lane. Felt like I'd left my cools at home when I got in there. Hip as tits, it was!

Doctored so nobody can be identified.. just random witches

I swam three times, seeing the temperature dip to 10 degrees by the end of the trip. I took part in the legendary Ladies' Pond Halloween dip and even went to an exhibition by beloved woodcraft genius Jane Ith (with a silent Sm) and lots of other talented people. 

It was in St Augustine's Tower in Hackney, and we walked the curly, windy, narrow, stone steps all the way to the top to gaze at the brightly lit Shard, the curly Olympic tower thingy, the City. I yearned for a bike (next time, I'll bring my helmet and take a hire). I revelled in the Londonness of things. London and me and dogs don't mix so well right now - even if I did have a place I could have them stay, they'd be terrified of all the noise. But so many beloved people are there, and there's so much going on. I feel a little distant in sleepy, provincial Frome. Oh, I just don't know!

 I do love swimming in the river here, with fabulous Lindsey. This was what greeted us this morning (it was 10 degrees, so we both got very interested in taking pictures for a while)

I love my car. It's just been our anniversary together (Halloween). I shall treat her to a long overdue valeting service. She is such a massive gift, a help, a wonder! I love her in her very teeth, my sturdy, sweet, reliable Brunhilde Concepción. 

And I am grateful for the Mediafast, which sees me, finally, writing this blog after months of quiets. It'll be on again in Spring, and there's never any harm in doing it. I've written every day since just before it started. I've been to yoga. I've done this blog. I'll dance tonight. All these things I might have done, and definitely would have meant to, but the temptation of the screen is so enticing... like, like, like me. Do approve. Tell me that I'm worth something! But Facebook likes are cocaine confidence - short-lived and shallow, and you need a few more hits for every buzz. 

Thanks, amazing acupuncturist Karen Cohen and massage/energy magician Krisztina for their help, for the release of heat with pins and the release of all kinds of mish mash with a massage not to be sniffed at (but occasionally to be shouted through). Incredible practitioners, both. 

One very handsome girl, Baba Yaga

Thing is, my time has come. The menopause has started, or been underway a good long while. It's funny, just writing that, I feel a wave of shame, as if it's kind of dirty, too much information, something to keep quiet about 'in company'. The truth is, it's both huge, in emotional terms, for me, and small - it's in the everyday happening of things and in that context, really quite banal. And it's worth talking about.

It means a number of things: 

• if I want to keep my vitality, I have to change my habits - eat less and better, move more and be more mindful of the choices that I make
• if I want children in my life, I have to foster, adopt or something similar
• it's time to work out what it is I want and make it happen. Time is tangibly shorter than I thought it was. I've missed one boat at least... best get my sailing gear on and make my way down to the quai.

This change is real and beyond my control. I feel as if I've left it to this stage of my life to grow up, to move on from the patterns of my past and to 'make something of myself'... if even now. It's time.