Day 432: It's the Little Things...

I am missing my blog. I'm missing the practice. I'm missing making time for that connection with what's good. That makes me realise so many of the things about it that feed me, which of course I've mentioned before. 

The focus: how it hones the mind to look for the things that can flood my system with thanks. 
The writing: just the practice of using these fingers and making words appear.
The freedom from judgement: I love it if you like it and I don't mind if you don't. I enjoyed it just the same.
The connection: weirdly compatible with the last, I feel connected through this blog. 

I saw a baby squirrel today. See? If I hadn't been yearning to blog, I might not have even taken the  time to enjoy that. It was very, very small and very, very still. I think it was dazed. Concussed, maybe. I hoped for a the screeching arrival of a miniature ambulance (made of nuts? Too far, too far), populated with squirrel paramedics and a tiny stretcher. I'm sure it happened. I'd moved on by then. There were two women paying it attention. One of them was talking to it very directly, encouraging it to come back onto the pavement. If it was listening, it wasn't showing it. 

I also saw a chihuahua with doberdog colouring, so small it almost wasn't. Rah! A king among minuscule dogs. It was wriggling in its owner's grasp. It was small enough to skewer and eat like a shish kebab. Or to dress in Barbie clothes (though of course, nothing real is actually that thin).




A post yesterday on facebook, which I hope it's okay to reproduce, gave me the cutes, big time. My sister's daughter told her she loved her 
'more than all the butterflies and rabbits in the world; all the live rabbits outside the house and all the not real rabbits inside the house. And the telly inside the house.'
I think it was her dad that used the semi-colon, but I wouldn't put it past her to have done it herself. Both those fabulous children are scary-bright and very lovely.

Today, I sat in in the sun in Place des Arts. I meditated. A man (was it a man?) came along with a cold and an iPod. He sniffed and gurgled. He played 'Eye of the Tiger' repeatedly, but only the first (and best) bit. Doof, DoofDoofDoof etc, only tinny little doofs through earphones. I drifted between being with him and coming back to the breath. It was good practice. Then I ate the lunch lovingly prepared for me by a wonderful man. I remembered yesterday's Montreal walk and mask-photosession and wander up on Mont Royal. Very, very nice. I'm lucky. I'm blessed. I'm back.*

Friday's show was an excellent show. My part of it was less excellent, but overall, the standard was really something and I had lots of fun in the warm-up workshop. Good, playful, juicy. Looking forward to playing some more, and grateful for the chance to play, which doesn't go without saying.

It's good to be here.

* Back and pink. Pink in the face, like covered in lipstick kind of pink. Oh, cold air and bright sun, you have really outed me. No, I didn't even THINK of suncream. Yes, you can tell!

Day 431: Questionable Teeth (from Friday)

I'm going to play tonight at the Montreal Improv group. I'm a little bit nervous, partly because I haven't played in a while and partly because it's a bunch of new people. Realistically, though, it's not the new ones that scare me, it's the ones I know already.

Not scare me as in 'don't hit me!' scared - Marc and Brent are lovely, playful, fabulous people. It's that I know them and for that, I impose on myself an expectation of being 'good'. Also, I'll be teaching a mask workshop under their auspices in May... I feel the need to prove myself and to somehow be 'good enough'. There's no such thing. Good is subjective. Enough is immeasurable. Perhaps if I gave myself a task of getting it as wrong as possible, that might help. Immediately, I think 'I can do that' and I relax. 

I remember deciding not to work with Keith Johnstone two years ago. It's pointless, I thought. I know myself. All that will happen is that I'll get my unworthy impostor head on and I'll freeze up in front of him all the time (in front if Keith Johnstone, of all people, whose life's work focuses on creating the opposite of this for everyone he meets). Why pay £400 to get a fright on? And then Will Reay emailed and asked if I could look after the workshop, and Keith, while he was off at his good friend's wedding.* That, I can do. Give me a role and I'm in there. I'm the same person. It's the same situation, only this time, I don't have to prove I'm worthy of being there... I'm there for a reason. I have a job to do. I'd better get on and do it then. 

That's how I want to approach tonight. Every time that impostor rears up, I need to send it back to its hotel room with a good book and possibly a massage voucher, and remember that my job is to give everyone I come across a good time by making them look and feel great. I know I can do that if I'm running a workshop. I just get my workshop  head on and get the fuck on with it. 

In the meantime, there's my teeth. I have a new set. I have them in right now, as I sit in the back of a Tim Horton's seating area in the Gare Centrale de Montréal. They make me flirt, these teeth. It's lucky (or is it?) that there's nobody nearby. I shall entertain myself walking along Sherbrooke with them in. Let's see what happens. These babies change my state like nobody's business. Bring it on!

* Best bit? I was supposed to be doing yoga teacher training course the month that Keith was there, but it seemed too good an opportunity to pass up, so I ended up bumping it to the Christmas TTC instead. Among other wonderful people, one surprising Nicolò Bernardi was doing the course at the same time. He's living in Montreal and at the moment, so am I. That's good, isn't it?

Day 430: Reggie

Who would not be grateful for this?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&feature=endscreen&v=O0RU_Nyr4l4

I clapped out loud a number of times.

Who would not be grateful for squirrels the size of mid-range kittens? Who would not bristle with gratitude for early morning yoga and warmth and goodness? 

I know I would. 

Day 429: Robot Fox

If I haven’t written, it’s not that I’m not grateful, nor that I’m shy of a double negative. I’m just slightly less on the internet (slightly) and definitely not on it at my regular traditional evening blogging time. Blogs now need to slip into the seams of the day and they do this less smoothly.

I have had a tiny dilemma in the last days: pay to travel into big city Montreal to guarantee an internet connection or hang out in one of the limited number of walkable-to cafes offering internet in this suburby bit of town I’m living in. So far, I’ve alternated. Today it’s a tiny Tim Horton’s in Roxboro. I have a view out over a crossroads and an ear open for interesting conversations (there are lots)*.

If you're going to piggyback, do it in style

Yesterday and the day before, I had skype calls to make. My dilemma seemed trickier, as all the locations I’ve found to be online so far have been cafes, which means no guarantee of consistent or flowy onlineness and the possibility of noise pollution, be it a cause of disruption to me or by me. I’m delighted, then, that for just those two days, an unlocked internet connection accessible from Nicolo’s flat allowed me to skype from the serenity of ‘my own’ space. I had two fabulous coaching calls, one in each direction (I gave one, I received one). In themselves, they are things to be grateful for. Both were meaty and fulfilling and goodness me, the connection was fantastic! Smooth, clear, no interruptions. Brilliant!

I received probably one of the best emails I’ve ever had yesterday, in programming language. I’m still smiling no end. I’m also being beautifully looked after, stimulated, entertained, engaged.

Lovely meeting with Roseanne – very interesting. It’s nice to feel so thoroughly welcomed by people who owe me nothing and know me through one person’s recommendation only. I’m loving all this yoga too. Good for me. Good for my body. Good for everything.

Today, I discovered a brilliant, dark, ornate, wonderful artist. I was doing a Spanish translation and I didn't know the right term for something, so I looked up a few artists' exhibitions to give me some clues. This guy turned up. Check him out. He rocks. And tomorrow, I get to go and play with the Montreal Improv people. Can't beat a good play.

* At this moment, I’m enjoying listening to a sweary and laughy elderly man. He switches between French and English like he’s got a poltergeist inside him, but ‘fuck’ is as common to both as his cackling. He has a rubbery voice. He’s making me laugh. Oh god, he’s got them all at it now. There are three of them laughing and swearing at each other in two languages. I love it!

Day 428: Montreal

Nice

Aahhh... this is nice.

I'm in Montreal. Today, for the first time since I arrived, in actual Montreal, though since I got out of the train station, I've been in the same cafe, just down the road from McGill University and Mont Royal. This is somewhere I never really explored when I was here an aeon ago. I may not even really explore it today. I may just check out Montreal as it is. I'd like to find the big posh library (Library and National Archives of Québec) and take a walk down St. Denis and Ste. Catherine. 

I'm loving being here, discovering all kinds of things. Maybe I'm a little bit loved up (I am). Maybe I'll say more at some point, maybe not. Big smiles all round, though. What a delight to be able to spend real time with someone who has been a tantalising fiction, to some extent, for a few months now. Thanks for having me. Thanks for giving this a try. It's brilliant!

Grateful for two fabulous emails on Friday to say 'we've paid you', one of them from a job I'd forgotten I did. Result! And thank you to Paloma, as always, for some work. I'll get onto it right now. And to Marc in Montreal for workshop help. 

Thank you to a great stream of lovely new people in the form of Nicolo's yoga community. Such a great bunch of people, and so warm and welcoming. We discovered a new invention by Ganesha (not the actual god this time, and no elephant face on his own face). We danced and stamped and did some improvised singing and it was lovely. We also talked yoga and listened to a wise old gentleman talking yoga too. He was impressive! He was 90 and really really really could have passed for 60 easily. Very lithe, very clear, very bright-eyed and really very gentle and loving. I liked him and was inspired.

This is what it was!

We fasted yesterday, for the first time on the same continent. As is often the way when you're fasting, there was a lot of food business around and about. We served cake to about 40 people, slicing it and dishing it out. We also went to the supermarket and bought food (though nothing that smelt as heavenly as the cake). We didn't get grumpy and we were very nice to each other, so even if either of us was secretly grumpy, it was good. 

Not my feet.

And, inspired by Ganesha (again, not the actual god), we walked home barefoot. There's snow around, but that's misleading - there's only snow because it's in such big blocks from being cleared that it takes a long time to disappear. We discovered the different textures of pavement. I was surprised to find that the road was smoother on the soles than the pavement. The least pleasant sensation was the wet carpet on the steps up to the flat. Very close to home, though, by their very nature, so a hot footbath was (literally) on tap and the fast was almost at its end. Well done us for managing not to eat anything when preparing food for the morning. The final challenge, well met.

This is great. Thanks, Daniel.
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=620210511326802&set=vb.473267562687765&type=2&theater

This really made me laugh with its aptness. Apart from the gun.

Day 427: Who needs words?

Day 426: Oh!

Oh, sweet, exciting day.

I THINK I did everything I needed to do before leaving. The one thing I know I did wrong was to lock the bag full of rubbish into the house before leaving. I had it so close to the door, ready to take. It contained things it shouldn’t have contained. Questionable plastic (as in plastic that I don’t think gets recycled, but that we always put in the recycling anyway – only not this time) and a guilty slice of bread that I should have eaten.

All that said, how nice to have calls with Sarahs Thomasin and Lonton and Cat Chapman, not at work today. Lovely people, lovely conversations. Lovely way to spend a day – flying towards something, and someone, not away from anything.

This last few months – longer, even, but especially March – has been the end of something. Properly the end. It feels so right to be taking this step right now. This may be a step, a leap, or just a stepping stone. It may be it may be nothing more than a diversion or it may be a whole new future. Well, it will be, just by its nature. This is new. Whatever comes of it, it’s part of something that’s already busy leading to something that hasn’t been before.

People smiled at me in the airport. I don’t think I had toothpaste. I think perhaps I may have been smiling quite widely. The check-in man sweetly gave me a whole row of seats to myself. I shunned them once we were airborne, as they were middle row. You can’t beat a window seat, if you’re me. I never tire of looking out. The people at the windows nearest me read papers with wide hands, then closed the blinds. It wouldn’t do. I had to move.

Last time I was vegetarian, what I disliked was the sense of being deprived – that ‘there’s nothing here for me’ spiral – so it was a pleasure to find that when the flight attendant told me that my request for a raw vegetarian feast had not ‘gone through’ and that there was no vegetarian option at all (meat or fish, take your pick), that feeling stayed away. I just said ‘bread?’ as I’d seen hot, fresh rolls come out. So I had a roll and a little bean salad, and then the lady went to business class to see if there was a vegetarian meal left over. There was. What a feast – and what a relief! Now I get to be vegetarian without turning into someone I don’t like.

I think it’s the fasting that’s done that. It’s only a seven-hour flight. If I’d have fasted the whole way, it’d only have been a quarter or so of the normal fast time for a single day. Cool beans. I’m glad. This is already good.

I watched Life of Pi on seat-back screen. Brilliant! As is sometimes my way with the flicks, I had a little cry (a couple, actually) before it had really even got underway. What lovely actors they were. A set of beautiful faces. And it was nice to hear some stories I’d heard, or heard of, before. Krishna is told off by his mother for eating dirt. When he denies it, she looks inside his mouth and sees… the whole universe! Ganesha doing something or other. Protecting Parvati, I think. I can’t quite remember, but it felt familiar and nice.

I didn’t remember that book being about God/religion/belief. I had forgotten, too, the pleasing fact that the Bengal tiger’s name is Richard Parker, a name that’s used in full throughout. I had no memory of how much love there was in the book. I was delighted.

I’m swinging, now, between grinning, all big-eyed, and feeling sweetly calm and settled. Today is a big deal. Today is fabulous. Bring it on.

Day 425: EEEEEEEEEEEEEE

A pair of wonderful Robs today, a very helpful (indeed) Katherine, and a pleasing and excitable Nicolo, among other wonderful people. Nice!

One more sleep. 

Eeeeeeeeee!

Day 424: Aung San Suu Kyi

So I sang... La la laaaaa. It was wonderful. Joined by the lovely Sam Chittenden, who managed to inspire me in the twenty minutes or so we actually spent chatting. We squeezed in four songs this time, including one repeat and a round that I will do with a group when it comes back to me. It's a round. Just one tune. I can do that. It was lovely.


At the end of the group, I asked I lady I'd been standing next to earlier whether she'd enjoyed it. She was beaming and said yes. She said fairly quickly that she had only been here a week. She seemed very friendly and open, so I invited her to come and join me in my post-la-la hot chocolate. We were there for two hours!

She was Chilean, brought up in Switzerland, fluent in lots of languages, here to learn English. She looked ten years younger and had a glow about her. She was very interesting. We swapped all kinds of stories and found we had a lot in common. We spent half the time in English and half in French. No discussion about it. We just swapped. I hope there's something I can do to make her stay in England juicier. She won't need much help - so open and willing to engage, I'm sure she'll make her way beautifully. And such warmth. Very grateful for such encounters. A couple of hours with a stranger and we're both better for it. And it's all situation, isn't it? She's only a stranger because we don't happen to have met before.

While talking about... something or other... I found myself saying something about how any act of aggression against another person is an act of aggression against myself and any act of aggression against myself is really one against others too, because we're putting this energy into the world and in fact it's our job, anyone who takes it on, to put something more positive into the world than that. It was entirely in context. It wasn't 'Do you take sugar in your tea, and oh, by the way...' I promise it made sense.

That really made me think, though (therefore it came through me, not from me) - what if I really acted upon that and remembered it always. Every act of unkindness or lack of generosity towards myself is in fact stealing that generosity from someone else, robbing them of the chance to enjoy it. It's self-indulgent. It's unproductive. Phew... if I'm ever tempted, this will help. I don't have to 'deserve' anything. It's not about me. It's about us. 

After all that ruminating, what better evening than with J and Mike watching a film that made me cry? It was excellent. David Thewlis got a good go in it and he was very wonderful and engaging and likeable. 

And today (ah yes, two days in one, like a BOGOF special offer at the Co-op), I was half an hour early for yoga (twat - I realise that the sign on the door has been there from long before I have, and all I had to do was read it). I was welcomed afterwards by a patient Sue and Amy, who fed me cups of tea and conversation and at lunch time, the most amazing meat-free meatball surprise. 

AND we played a board game - the Logo game by Drumond Park. The questions were great and it's surprising, sometimes, which bits of information have made it into your unconscious. For example, why do I know which car brand's logo is made up of three diamonds? Why? I've never owned a car. I'm not particularly interested in them. I've driven a few but to my knowledge, never a Mitsubishi. And I don't really watch TV. I like the word, I suppose. 'Mitsubishi'... sounds good, doesn't it? Maybe that's why.

There was a great dane in Redroaster. Big like a horse, he was. Really, really considerable in size. I was impressed. Still am. He had very blue eyes (I haven't noticed that in one before) and travelled with a terrier of equally comic proportions the other way. I wondered if their owners had done it on purpose. It worked a treat! One dog you could put in a shoe box and the other you'd need a horse box for. Only the little one barked. Good job, really. You'd have had parents scooping up their babies all over the place if the big guy had started shouting.

Much as I say I don't watch TV, I did watch The Voice and it was so cool. They were all nice to each other! None of this fake bickery shit - the judges were nice to the contestants and playful with each other. They all seemed to be having fun. I've no idea who the boy on the end is, but he seems sweet. The other three are more legendary. No surprise that all the Welsh acts end up going with Tom Jones. What an icon! And Will.i.am, with his silly, sweet face and Jessie J. Aaaahhhh... I really enjoyed the whole thing.

Thank you Katherine Balwin, Simon Scott, J, Ruth, Nicolò, Sam, Redroaster, Amy & Pete and of course Meggy, who I will miss, despite the face-biting and the inexplicable pouncing.

Day 423: Pox

Oh DEAR. I didn't get up to go and do yoga. Last night's gig was so good and so late. Chima Anya and Unexpected Guests were fabulous. I spent a lovely evening chatting to Rob B and remembering why he has the reputation for being one of the loveliest people ever. He's warm and down-to-earth and inspiring. It's years ago since we did that compere course which later turned into something else. He's a great teacher and he's fun to work with. Like Dylan Emery and Lucy Trodd and Patti Styles - they show what living 'yes and' can do, for them and for other people. YES... and yes and yes and yes...

The last set was a battle and that was cool. Waller was on top form - funny, slick, confident. I loved it. And then DJ Mind Gap pissed me off by playing such incredible tunes that I couldn't leave when I wanted to. I just had to stay. I couldn't stop. 

This morning, then, I lay in bed with the cat (new theory: cat pounces on face to get attention. New solution: allow cat under covers and stroke it, put up with no more than the occasional chin-nip). So I'm lying there, feeling the time tick by, thinking about ashtanga and how tired I am, instead of how wonderful I'll feel when I'm doing it. I lay in bed until it was too late, then I got up, ate porridge and went to J's house. Yoop.

Spent a large part of


the day with J and her two boys, one of them all weepy and covered in chicken pox. Bless his little wide-eyed, snotty face. I had fun in the car with Felix, rolling pound coins into the glove compartment, trying to get them to stand up. I pulled both of them out of imaginary mud a fair few times. We had fun with lunch. There were sweet times. And that's not all. Then I got to go home and do my thing AND THEN SEE J AGAIN!

We went to the flicks, to the Duke of York. Saw a French film. It was like flitting back in time more than ten years, when we both lived in Brighton and did things like that quite often. It was very nice. I like this woman a lot. She fills me up. She's intelligent and funny and all kinds of things that I admire. 

I find myself grateful today for all the things I've learnt, especially in the last six months, and how I've been given so many gifts and one of them is the ability/opportunity to do what I think is right and feel good about it. I'm grateful for the influence of specific people in this. Sometimes, just thinking of them helps. I'm inspired. So many good people doing so many good things and just being who they are and through that being very pleasing. You know who you are. Thank you.

Day 422: Good

contender for 'most ridiculous fox',
but doesn't quite cut it

Alright, so yoga was good, today was good, meeting Simon Scott and talking was good, writing emails and other things, playing with the cat, doing the washing - all good. The mung bean dahl with peas in it was very good indeed. 

A chat with J - very good. A Skype with Laura? Gooooood.

Tonight, I get to go to Excursions, see Rob and Dave and no doubt have another shit-hot musical experience. That's good, isn't it? Yes. That's good.

Will called me to say he'd sent me a selection of masks to add to my Montreal collection. He is enabling me to do what I want to do there. I'm very grateful. That's good.

Kati Schweitzer popped up on Skype. She's mint. We chatted. She made me laugh. I will miss her later this month. I miss her already. But she will still be just as brilliant, even if I"m not there. That's good too.

It's snowed, but there's been sun. I rode back along the seafront and enjoyed the sky. Good. 

happy? 

I used the bike lanes. I saw a sausage delivery van that said 'hello sausage' on the front. That was yesterday, but it made me smile again today, just in the thinking. Good!

I got the bins out on time. Very good. 

You know what else was good?

I ONLY WENT AND BOUGHT MY FLIGHT TO MONTREAL, DIDN'T I? 

sheepish fox?
can you actually say that?

I'll be there in a week, to visit the most pleasing, surprising and ridiculous of foxes, Nicolò Francesco Grafton Bernardi. 

I am very lucky, to be able to do this; to be invited to do this; to have good reason to do this. 

So good.