Day 676: Fucking Massive Spider

Found this on my shoulder yesterday. I saw it earlier (hence the photo) on the leg of the chair I was sitting on when it was subsequently noticed Walking All Over Me. Dave (American, lives where I live) said ‘Do you know you have a spider on you?’ in such a calm voice that I had no fear at all and just said ‘Oh, have I? Brush it off then.’. His reply changed all that. It went something along the lines of ‘Eeeee, no I’m not touching that, it’s massive!’. So I found my phone and brushed the spider off with that.

It was a tarantula, but little (for tarantulas) Still big. I was a little bit freaked, but also a little bit honoured and pleased. It was quite a creature.I’m going to take it as a sign. A good one. Why not?




We had the best pizza night that's ever been had by anyone, ever last night. Armando outside getting wood, doing the fire, making things right. Aude making pizza base and chocolate mousse. Me and Lorena making the red pizza sauce and cutting cheese and making toppings. People arrived just as the pizzas were ready (we nearly esconded) and we had a marvellous time. It was easy. It flowed like water from one bit to the next. There wasn't a moment of stress and we laughed a lot. Thank you. It was amazing. 
Today is hot and full of lovely people (or lovely and full of hot people) from all over the world, all over the world on the end of whatever type of technology, in every bit of the world.

Day 675: Like Water Over Stones

Things change so bloody quickly in this town. Two weeks ago, I was spending at least a part of every day with the same person, and although the skies were dark with water in the background, it had definitely become a comfortable habit. A single morning changed all that for good, and in an instant that constant present was past. Although it isn’t/wasn’t what we thought we wanted, like any good storm, there’s a relief in the fresh new times that come after. From here, I notice how close the air was hanging before it happened. Thank goodness for the break.

And then the next phase, rich and heady, all exciting, already transformed too. Worries here burn off like cooking rum. Happinesses do too. How rich, how sweet, how transient.

Today, I laughed until my belly hurt, but not until I’d screamed. Marvelling at where I live, I was engrossed in a post on facebook when a monster growled at me from just beyond the kitchen walls (the kitchen is a hut, a little shacky one, with walls you can see the light through, when there is some). It wasn’t just a shriek, it was a proper scream that came out. I was entirely asustada. Shocked as fuck. It was Dave, on his way to his room. He’d done a burp. A deep one, but just a burp. We hardly know each other, but we well into a massively giddy hug, which  couldn’t last because we were both laughing far too hard. Embarrassment, relief, still a little shock. Whatever. Made my night, that did. I’m still sniggering.

My day was made by (and of) massage. I have posters up. I love a good, deep massage, me, delivering, mostly (though if you ever get the chance to work with Ayres - there’s only one of him - then do, do, do. Best massage ever, that man gives). I gave three today. That’s nowhere near a top for me, but it’s good.  A few more days like that and my rent’s paid, but that’s far from the point. The pleasure was the point. I loved it. One regular client and two new ones. It was really lovely to do two back to back, entirely different people, different spots, the same rich, present, open energy when I’m working. I loved it so much. And two was perfect. Not too tired. Less tired, in fact, than before I started. I’m beginning to love working on the floor, too. Thank you, universe (and Nidra Wasi) for sending me this opportunity.

Walking into town today, we were accompanied by two white dogs, one tall and male, one shorter, female, his mother. I felt like I was in a film and there was an adventure afoot. They followed us into the market and lay down while we drank juice and I ate a little egg bap (not what they called it in the market). Then they got up and followed us to the chemist. It’s only happened once before. Again, I was accompanied, and again, I think it was the person walking with me that the dogs were escorting. A mottled brown bruiser walked us home one night, and the two whites too. The three of them flanked us and warned off other dogs. When we got to my place, Jaqui (or whatever he’s called), a local dog with eyes like human eyes from magazines, stuck on, came up to wag and greet us and the terrified one with the limp snuck in behind him for a cowery lick, but dared it only if he was between us.

Thanks Armando, Eduardo, Domingo, Enrique, Robert, Arjuna, Ottorongo and ninja boy Prem,, Michael and Milan from Croatia, Scott from Prague/USA - just some of the fine men who’ve filled my recent days. Oh, and Dave, for scaring the shit out of me. Thanks, Kath Jones, my beloved sister, Tiu, Kati, Vic, Nadia and Ruth from afar, sweet, magical Aude, Aga, Diana, Premita (only 4) Sophie, Lorena with your gentle eyes and rich, strong voice. Good women, all.

Thanks for unexpected, hearty soup with rice, yucca, potatoes and a knaw of tasty chicken. Thanks for an impromptu exercise class involving clowning, mime and general twattery, as well as exercise. Thanks for a solo yoga buzz and a night fire with beloved friends.

And thanks, my fine friend Armando, for staying longer here. Adventures are afoot, dog escort or not.

In Sickness and in Health

I’m off today. For the first time in the whole of my trip (now a little more than two months) I feel ill. And not so terribly ill that I can’t do anything. Look at these fingers go. And that’s pretty good going, right? Two months and not a day of this before? Thanks, Peru.

I feel sick and like my skin’s on inside out, physically,  and I’m a little bit sad. I’m feeling romantically jealous. That’s a difficult feeling, but one worth talking about, I think. Self-help wisdom says that when this comes up, it’s time to focus on feeling like you’re enough without any need for external affirmation. There will always be people prettier than me, funnier (more of a thing, in my world), more loving and lovely. There will always be people who match the people we think we match better than we do.

I spent the best part of six months feeling jealous earlier this year and it lifted only the weekend before I left for Peru. But it did lift, and now that feeling just isn’t there in that context. I can feel joyful for the people involved, glad that I’m not them (because really, the match was not a match and the feeling of being one of many was not a good one) and free.This time, like then, there’s chocolate involved. Every cloud...

This also springs to mind: If he’s not wide-eyed and crazy about you, if he is looking elsewhere while you’re actually there, if he’s just not that into you, let it go. It’s so easy to say to someone else. And it works both ways, of course.The person we feel we love, or the person we think loves us... surely we should feel like there’s nowhere else we’d rather be - at the start at least. I’m not imagining that after 15 years, every second is a joy. I’d be delighted to some time find out. But if it’s just a way of passing the time, maybe let’s not do it to each other. Maybe let’s wait for something that feels really deeply good and nourishing, that feels like the job we’re here to do and then when there’s work to be done, it’s worth it.

People living together creates things that aren’t as you want them to be, especially when control is as big a thing as it is for me. But that can be worked on too (more on letting go of the need to control than on getting everything just so) So I’m sitting with that with my sickly stomach and wrong-way skin and wondering what the two have to do with each other and how long I’ll need to sit with it. And what tantra can do to help me feel saner on this front. but thats another story altogether.

There’s always the possibility that it’s all in my head, and that it’s a pattern I need to work on. This last is true whether it’s ‘real’ or not. So thanks, pattern, for presenting yourself for a bit of a workout. And thanks, I think, sweet man, for being open enough to work on it with me without anger or defensiveness. Again, whether fabricated or happening, there’s work to be done. Let’s do it.

I spoke to three special sisters today. My soulsister and sweet-faced angel Kath Jones, who has been so present with me on this trip. Kath Jones, I am grateful for you every single day. Wise owl Ruth Blake showed her owly face too (though I didn’t actually see it). And my teeth sister Kati Schweitzer, currently in Canada but on her way to South America (yeeeoooaarrssss!). Thank you, all of you, for being my wonderful women and sweet sisters. Thank you, all of you, for making me laugh. Thank you for your beauty and your joy and your honesty.

Thank you too for all the life-rich men in my life. There seem to be more of them here in person than there are close women friends,though there are some good ones here too (Aude, you spring to mind like a quebecoise gazelle, if there is such a thing) and Sophie, you are a delight..

So let’s end with this. All others aside, I’m sitting with ‘enough’.Enough with all my faults, my questionable fashion sense, my extra weight, my over-working storymind. Enough with an early night and a slightly sad face. Enough with all the love in the universe, and all the illusion that makes it. Thank you, water, fire, earth and air. Thank you, wind and sky and sun and mountains, oh, mountains, you absolute beauties. Thanks for standing by while I wonder all these things. Thanks for your solid strength and presence, for the way you make me feel, for the ruggedness of you and your reliability too.. Oh dear... I think I might have fallen in love.