In Sickness and in Health

I’m off today. For the first time in the whole of my trip (now a little more than two months) I feel ill. And not so terribly ill that I can’t do anything. Look at these fingers go. And that’s pretty good going, right? Two months and not a day of this before? Thanks, Peru.

I feel sick and like my skin’s on inside out, physically,  and I’m a little bit sad. I’m feeling romantically jealous. That’s a difficult feeling, but one worth talking about, I think. Self-help wisdom says that when this comes up, it’s time to focus on feeling like you’re enough without any need for external affirmation. There will always be people prettier than me, funnier (more of a thing, in my world), more loving and lovely. There will always be people who match the people we think we match better than we do.

I spent the best part of six months feeling jealous earlier this year and it lifted only the weekend before I left for Peru. But it did lift, and now that feeling just isn’t there in that context. I can feel joyful for the people involved, glad that I’m not them (because really, the match was not a match and the feeling of being one of many was not a good one) and free.This time, like then, there’s chocolate involved. Every cloud...

This also springs to mind: If he’s not wide-eyed and crazy about you, if he is looking elsewhere while you’re actually there, if he’s just not that into you, let it go. It’s so easy to say to someone else. And it works both ways, of course.The person we feel we love, or the person we think loves us... surely we should feel like there’s nowhere else we’d rather be - at the start at least. I’m not imagining that after 15 years, every second is a joy. I’d be delighted to some time find out. But if it’s just a way of passing the time, maybe let’s not do it to each other. Maybe let’s wait for something that feels really deeply good and nourishing, that feels like the job we’re here to do and then when there’s work to be done, it’s worth it.

People living together creates things that aren’t as you want them to be, especially when control is as big a thing as it is for me. But that can be worked on too (more on letting go of the need to control than on getting everything just so) So I’m sitting with that with my sickly stomach and wrong-way skin and wondering what the two have to do with each other and how long I’ll need to sit with it. And what tantra can do to help me feel saner on this front. but thats another story altogether.

There’s always the possibility that it’s all in my head, and that it’s a pattern I need to work on. This last is true whether it’s ‘real’ or not. So thanks, pattern, for presenting yourself for a bit of a workout. And thanks, I think, sweet man, for being open enough to work on it with me without anger or defensiveness. Again, whether fabricated or happening, there’s work to be done. Let’s do it.

I spoke to three special sisters today. My soulsister and sweet-faced angel Kath Jones, who has been so present with me on this trip. Kath Jones, I am grateful for you every single day. Wise owl Ruth Blake showed her owly face too (though I didn’t actually see it). And my teeth sister Kati Schweitzer, currently in Canada but on her way to South America (yeeeoooaarrssss!). Thank you, all of you, for being my wonderful women and sweet sisters. Thank you, all of you, for making me laugh. Thank you for your beauty and your joy and your honesty.

Thank you too for all the life-rich men in my life. There seem to be more of them here in person than there are close women friends,though there are some good ones here too (Aude, you spring to mind like a quebecoise gazelle, if there is such a thing) and Sophie, you are a delight..

So let’s end with this. All others aside, I’m sitting with ‘enough’.Enough with all my faults, my questionable fashion sense, my extra weight, my over-working storymind. Enough with an early night and a slightly sad face. Enough with all the love in the universe, and all the illusion that makes it. Thank you, water, fire, earth and air. Thank you, wind and sky and sun and mountains, oh, mountains, you absolute beauties. Thanks for standing by while I wonder all these things. Thanks for your solid strength and presence, for the way you make me feel, for the ruggedness of you and your reliability too.. Oh dear... I think I might have fallen in love.