Day 564: Doing It Like Titanic

Not THIS Titanic

'At the moment' feels HARD. And then I remember moments when I've written this blog, thankfully relatively long ago now, when I had to search with every fibre of myself that was still able to find the little things to remember gratitude for, when I was worried for my own balance and when the cold, sodden blanket of depression had wrapped itself around me. Gratitude helped me shrug it off then, even if little by little. 

Now is better than that. I'm experiencing intense discomfort and insecurity because of what's happening - it's sitting in my chest constantly, heavy and cold like lead, and stirring up in my belly. 

This one, only grumpier

However, in myself, I'm good. I still get to go clowning and enjoy the people there. I still get to do work that I love and get paid for things that other people marvel at (even though by dint of repetition, they sometimes feel less magical to me). And I get to learn to love the version of me that's fractious and harsh and terribly demanding - it's all very well professing love and acceptance when she's only in the background, but when she's doing a Titanic on my very bow, that's when it's time to practise. Good stuff. 

Day 563: Whisper Me Dog

Today, with my lovely AS-level French student, we did Cockney French reading. She was tired and not really up for a very challenging lesson. It was well worth laughing, so we laughed. I bet she'll remember some of the words she said in Cockney. She works SO hard. It's not why her mother employs me, but I often want to, and sometimes do, say something along the lines of 'why don't you just have a day where you do NO STUDYING AT ALL?'. Not today. Instead, let's embrace the British accent and at least enjoy ourselves.


I made myself snort on the tube on the way home. The ad said 'a superhero to protect your pennies'. Like a teenage boy, that became penis (but in an accent). And then the idea of every man having a superhero (with a cape) to protect his very own tickled me until I entirely forgot it again. Until now. 

My coach rocks. Big time. Like seas rock boats. Hats off.

Grateful for serendipities and wooden floors. Nuff said. \
Oh, and I love The Dog Whisperer. 

Should have stopped a the last nuff said.

Day 362: Every Cloud

Can't beat a big dog in clothes

Saturday says: Grateful for the lovely women I spent the day with today, for the expert make-up job grace a the women in Benefit, very patient, very clear and for lovely dresses and a photo shoot that made me cry. 

Trusting that the changes in circumstances as far as living arrangements are good - even when they don't feel good, and that something wonderful is on the way. 


The Bridge. That too. 

Sunday is full of hope and softness, sensuality and the occasional cross face, and the beginnings of a very pleasing translation.

Monday, the endings of a pleasing translation, the alien birth of an article that ripped itself out through my chest, a couple of soul-sucking househunting experiences and a self-inflicted disappointment that I could be very cruel to myself about, only I'm leaning hard to steer another way - and getting splashed in the process. 

I no longer feel like this in a dress. Result!

Trying to find a home in London feels very painful this time. I am experiencing anxiety and groundlessness and not a little bit of fear, and underlying it is the knowledge that I have fantastic people in my life, a number of whom have said very clearly that they can help if I'm really stuck, and that there is a beautiful place out there for me, at a price I can easily afford, a space of my own where I can be totally at ease and frequently naked and more than anything, a place that feels really really really like my home, where I can root and ground and feel settled.

Thank you, Tanya, for being a sweet, suggesty, gorgeous wise woman on the phone. Aren't you great? And J, for being zumbastic (oh god, I'm ashamed of that) and Rob, as always - both solid and changeable, always discovering, learning, sharing.

Woop!

So - being mostly gentle with some shamely feelings and some stupid ones and a bit of being sad and feeling a little blessed, a little glum and very tired.

The silver lining - GLUM LADY GETS TO COME BACK! 

Day 361: Mmmmm

Early yoga (too early - bugger, bugger - why get up at 5.30 when I could have got up at 6?). Good, though, and I had a nice chat with a lady. 

Finished a tasty translation, had a fabulous meeting with a fabulous woman, then another fabulous meeting with another fabulous woman, then a delicious, fabulous (and mostly dark) Heath-walk and a pub-stop with a delicious, fabulous man. How lucky am I?

And now the cat's watching the telly. Can't beat that.

Ha ha haaaaa! I just googled 'MMMmmm'. I'm not going to post the picture, but please, if you want to see it, go to Google Images and enter 'mmmmmm bacon'. 

Day 560: (j)Aaa

Ja

And we're back: my work feels like play. So yesterday, I got a sweet as sweet role in forum piece playing a version of half of my current favourite pair of TV characters: Saga Noren. I'd say my favourite, but that Kim Bodnia's one to enjoy watching, isn't he... Martin Rohde... is that the character name? Loving The Bridge 2. 


So back to Saga. I get to do a scene where I interject at random times, with random comments that mean everything to me and that (in this context, because it's useful forum theatre piece and not hard-hitting Scandi murder-drama) make people laugh. Not at the character as such, I hope, but at the situation. It was mint, and I did it with the loveliest of people - delicious Neil, lovely Stephen and fine [Italian Man, not French Woman] Simone - the über mother-placator (one picture with Simone and any mother secretly worried about their daughter's single status will be deeply relieved - the perfect gay boyfriend!) He's also unflinchingly positive, lovely, complimentary, affectionate and warm. It's a delight to work with him.

So would

I loved slipping into the Beginners' Ashtanga class this morning. Did me the world of good. Already, I have seen progress. Good cycling, great rehearsal AND I'm enjoying the translations I was sent today - but it does mean that I need to shift my arse from in front of this computer and land it in my bed.

Top moment of today? Big, black, wide-eyed cat Tiny's even wider-eyed, appalled look in response to the big old Ommmmmmm at the start of the Ashtanga opening chant, off of YouTube. If a cat could say 'What The Fuck?'...

Day 559: Feeling the Love

Love these ugly dogs

I'm at WORK! Firstly, I love that, big time. Generally, and specifically for this company, who delight me. Secondly, it has entailed spending the evening with a group of lovely, funny people who I enjoyed very much, being fed (aaaah, I'll deal with the ins and outs of what I am eating and what I could/should be to feel better another time). We chatted and we laughed and I may have got myself two or three private yoga clients without saying a thing (and they are, of course, among these LOVELY people). 

Love teaching yoga

That reminds me of my lovely, strange evening with Adeel, and my intention this year to really do what I love - not in a strivey way, but in a flowing and playful way, and do what works for me first, rather than letting those old pleaser traits take over. 

I love doing this work, with these people. I adore yoga teaching and I adore, I find, being in London. I'm humming and wriggling a bit at how expensive it is to live well here, but I will find a way, because it's important, and when I do what I love, fantastic things come. Big old gratitude to lovely, grounded yoga teacher Cat, and to Lev for making it there that I have chosen to try (and for the clown course - will I get back in time tomorrow? I have my fake teeth and my dress to tuck into my knickers all with me in a bag, just in case). 

Here's to good things, good people and masses of luck and love.

Oh, beetroot, I love you

PS - Oooh, it's a good day when I manage to forget for a bit that I had a lovely call with Lilley. It's like drinking a cool, clear glass of water on a hot day, talking to her. Mint! Oh, and I was comprehensively talked to/engaged with by two people on two different trains. One after said call - Trevor - he'll have a job by next week, I hope. I'd be so happy if it was so, though I'll never know. I'll be happy for him, just in case. And Al, who co-ordinates an aerospacey R&D team in Bristol. 

Day 558: Nuggets

There is SO much more, but these two things floor me in very different ways:

Swell Season's loveliness that sings into the inside of me

and 

A man laughing at turkeys

I done a conference today. It was fun. I got to hang out with the speakers before and after their talks, and to watch them perform too. How good is that? It's a privilege. And I want to be doing more and more of that. I learnt a lot about working collaboratively and what feels good, and feel very motivated by the people I watched. I saw the deepest courage and vulnerability and some really solid, down-to-earth 'get on with it' vibes. Lots of humour and lots of humility. Nice!

Saturday singing was so worth the trip. J and boisterous boys and bouncing too. Saturday night was a treat beyond treats, and not just the liver. Sunday was full of finding out. 

I'm feeling a little bit all opened up, which is lovely and a bit tricky at the same time. It's nice to know there are truly excellent people in the world, though, isn't it? And that I get to play with so many of them. Every nugget is one for the thank you list. Every last nugget.

Day 557: Dancing

Dream work today. A voiceover (woop!). In a hangar near Manor House. In a Yorkshire accent. Dreams never play out like I expected them to, but they're dreams nevertheless and I am grateful like you wouldn't believe to get the chance to live them. Maybe that's the thing - live them whether they're that or not. Some bits will be 'worse' - as in not what you expected in a way you don't like as much as the fantasy - and some of them will be full of things you never even thought could happen. 

That was followed by a workshop in Cambridge - language learning and improv - a delight in that it was a genuine experiment, and it was a pleasure to get to play, with and for such lovely people. Thank you for allowing me to. 

Speaking of playing: oh, clown, clown, clown! I am LOVING the clown class I'm doing. It's been too long since I played for the pure joy of it and this class - and yesterday in particular - provides just such an opportunity. And a dance. I have been yearning to go tonight (and had I seen a text from fine Viv G a little earlier, I'd have hauled my tired arse over there for an invigorating shimmy). Yesterday, my yearnings were fulfilled in better than everness, with clown dance game. 

See, at Five Rhythms, I do my absolute best to be as ungainly as possible, if that's the mood that takes me. Admittedly, that's probably one step easier than feeling totally free dancing all sexy, but that's part of the play in 5 Rhythms - follow the impulse that comes and if it's hard to follow it, follow it bigger, or follow it being difficult to do. That was the game last night, too. Follow the impulse, keeping it in awareness, and really play. I adored it, from bum-wiggly start, to pile-of-people finish. It was glorious. And all this to demonstrate that the point of clowning is the pleasure to play. And what pleasure there was to be had. Next week, we get to bring costume (including some fake teeth). Wooooooo! I must do everything I possibly can to be there!

Day 556: Work Like Play = Like

About seven years ago, very over-excited, on my way to an interview with my first 'proper' corporate roleplay company I created a little song in my head about how my work feels like play. It was all brand new and wonderful and even though I hadn't done it yet, in my head, it was the best thing ever!

I've recently stopped working for that company, even though I love the content of what they do when they do their core work - it's delightful, that work, fun to do, effective, and totally feels like play, because the play bits are and the coaching bits are what I love to do and it makes a difference, which... well, it make the difference, doesn't it. It can all feel like play but if it doesn't move anyone or spark ideas or change in them, or inspire them, or make their life better, even for an ephemeral moment, than it was before they took part, then it's just frivol, isn't it. The second there's a bigger purpose for it, I'm hooked. 

Today and yesterday, I got to play (work) with someone I first worked with at that company, and with a total stranger too, and it was BRILLIANT. This person is a total star - funny, warm, intelligent, interesting, reeeaaallly good at what he does (and at what he doesn't do so much any more - I can see it - he's a fantastic actor) and a brilliant human. I had so much fun AND we spent a lot of our time noting the bits we liked about people and about what was going on, enjoying other people's skill (our trainer was excellent). 

Out of the blue, with no warning at the time (but with an idea that came to him the night before), he introduced a bit of the session that included messing with different languages - having a conversation and switching languages without warning. It was ACE, especially as it was totally unprepared. And I felt totally safe with both Russell, the trainer, and Matt, playing the 'straight man' and reacting seamlessly. That's when work is very cool. That's when work feels like play in an easy way.

Sometimes, it's tougher and more challenging, but still feels like play. Play doesn't rule out 'hard work', as in effort, concentration, focus, sweat. Play is ace when there's a load of that. Here's to even more of that, drawn in together through finding out and trying out stuff that also has that playful twist to it. Here's to work so good, you want to eat it. 

Om nom nom. And all that.

PS - picture search term: work like play. Honest.

Day 555: Not Drowning

God, it's good to be naked at home (sorry, Nikki, sorry Nikki's cat, Tiny). I'm not naked that much of the time - it's cold and I'm not going to abuse the heating just for the sake of nudity - but getting out of the bath and not having to worry about covering anything, god, that feels good. 

I have noticed over the last few days how easy it is to slip back into old patterns of thinking, about love and money in particular - specifically, if subconsciously, that there isn't enough of either to go round, so I'll need to make do on very little. And this despite evidence to the contrary. And it's really effective. Believe this long enough and hard enough and you'll have it all around you. When love is there, you won't see it. When money is there for the scooping up, there'll be something else that gets in the way, or something that suddenly needs to drink it up before it's even come in.

When you move a mirror, you find out how often you check yourself out, even if you didn't know you were doing it, and I swear you're likely to keep looking at that empty patch of wall long after the mirror has moved. I've never given myself a hard time for doing this. 

If I was coaching me like a client, I'd suggest seeing it more like this: Instead of being cross and feeling like I'm slipping backwards when I notice these things, I can use them as useful indicators - thank you for letting me know that I'm still thinking that way - thank you for it now reaching up into the conscious mind instead of doing its pervasive work in secret in the unconscious. This is an opportunity to change the pattern. Each time that 'not enough money' and 'not enough love' for me to have some comes up, I get to spend a moment fantasising about what I want instead, what that feels like, sounds like, tastes like, what the sensations are and where and what else comes up. It's all material and it's all useful, and noticing this stuff means it's moving. I'd also encourage me to think of it with the neutrality of moved-mirror glancing. That's all it is. An old habit taking its last breaths - fighting for its life, maybe, but it's just doing what it does. There's no intention behind it and no right or wrong hidden underneath its skin.

When I think back to the painful two or three years that happened before I finally stopped drinking alcohol every night... I realised there was an issue in 95 - I honestly didn't think of it that way until that point. I ignored that for two years, then tried really, really hard to change it for another three. I took such huge steps. I stopped smoking during that time and made lots of other good changes, but I still felt like I'd got nowhere. And then, with very clear intention and with help from other people, it stopped. I stopped. Drinking alcohol left. Lots of other stuff came in, and it was hard for another few years rebuilding social patterns and having to see the stuff that alcohol had blinkered out, but it was so much easier without the stuff itself messing with stuff. It was a change I couldn't visualise - I actually couldn't imagine my life without it, at the time, as most of my relationships were built around it. 

So, change makes waves. Waves are to be noticed, surfed, ridden, swum in and sometimes, sucked up. Whatever they feel like, thank god for them. 

Thank you, then, amidst all the change, for a fabulous start to 2014, surrounded by delicious people. Thanks for abundance, change and movement. Thanks for the things I struggle with, to keep me flowing. Thank for the ease too, and may it be remembered and valued as much as the struggle. Peace is good too. No need to choose camps. 

No reason

Thank you for playing and talking with some fine women - J, Fiona, Kate, Pudding, Cat, Sue, Dilly, assorted Betties. Thank you too for a meaty meeting with Grundel and Veal - fine men with fine minds and a willingness to try shit out, which I'm very pleased about. I wonder what will come of this collaboration. And thank you for this rain. Fuck it, you can't beat it. Enjoy it.