Day 489: Proud

So guess what... in the morning after my adventure of trying to get to the hotel, I was still determined not to get a taxi, so I walked across the big car park. A man with a tilty Irish lilt (bigger than a lilt - it was a proper rocking horse of an accent) told me to duck under the fence, cross the car park and walk it, and that it would take me 16.2 minutes. I set off. I was lost within minutes. I was also a little bit late. 

Instead of persevering with a phone maps and confusion, I went to the car park ticket office and asked for directions. They told me how to drive there, but I didn't have a car. On hearing that, the lady next to the lady I was talking to said 'I'll drive you, we're not busy'... and out she trotted, Joan, all Brummie bounce, opened up her fiat and took me to the very door of where I wanted to be. 

On the way, we stopped to chat to people she new. I learnt that one person had just had another baby ('by a different dad... yeah, I know') and that person was doing a bit better while recovering from cancer. Everyone we passed waved at her. I felt like I was with NEC royalty. She'd worked there since 1998, I think she said. She used to be on security, and now she was on the car parks. She believed in talking to people. She said you should always be nice to the cleaners because they have a really hard job. There she was, busy spreading her bit of love all around the place. Queen Joan of the NEC. Thank you. You got me there on time, but more importantly, you made my day just by doing what you do.

That night, back late, tempted to slink off down to Brighton and do neither of the two options I had - one Sweaty Thursdays, ecstatic dance night at St Peter's Church in Vauxhall (can't recommend it highly enough - it's fantastic) or drop into the Unexpected Guests rehearsal in New Cross Gate. In the end, enticed by the idea of lovely people and raw creativity, I opted for the latter, and what a great plan. A whole load of musicians and rappers in a studio playing music, trying shit out, hanging out. 

I felt a bit out of place in that I didn't do anything myself. Not being the only one didn't quite help somehow. I was offered the mic as I arrived, but I wasn't quite there yet. Silly me. As the night got going more, I found it harder to get close to getting up. We're talking serious rappers here, people who do it all the time. I may have had rhymes trickling in my head, but that was almost counterproductive as my fear tried to help me plan and look good (oh, improvisation, you teach me such good lessons and so often I choose to ignore them). Nevertheless, I LOVED being there, loved witnessing the creation of all that magic, watching the musicians practice and play and just being part of the whole thing. I have already made the commitment, and I make it again here, next time I go I'll get up on the mic, and fuck it if I'm shit. It doesn't matter. It's not about that. I may feel all those things, but it's not a reason not to do it.

This weekend has been all about that. I was away on retreat and I had lots of moments of realisation - some new, some not. One is that fear is a great pointer. Responding to fear by listening to it serves really well to keep me 'safe' and to keep me small. Safe from curiosity, safe from change, safe from vulnerability. The only way to grow (there's never only one way, but if there was, it might be this) is to walk towards the things you fear with your arms open and your chest exposed. Less so if it's someone wielding a sword, but as long as that stays in the realm of dream or metaphor, then bring it on. Lift up your arms and start walking.


I'm proud of my friend Lilley, who is an astute businesswoman, lovely, mindful, present mother and all round brilliant person. She's an inspiration to me. I like her husband very much too. I like their husband-and-wifeness. 

I'm grateful for so many things about this weekend again. Lovely people. Good food. Lots of extra vitamins (I've learnt that magnesium and agnus castus will be a good idea for me, and that I need to grind my beloved flax seeds to get the good from them). I got a few more great tips too. I did a little bit of dancing, had a lovely sauna and steam and drank a lot of tea. I played with a lovely dog, learnt things I really didn't know before, or know of, and enjoyed some fabulous exchanges. I heard this ridiculous song and this stunning piece of music, among so very many others. I am on my knees with gratitude. It's almost impossible to be anything but on your knees after that last piece, with its melancholy cellos and long, stretching pace. 

I witnessed people who love each other showing it in all kinds of beautiful ways - by the things they say to each other, how they think about each other, the things they do. Love can take the shape of a kiss, a kind word, a laugh, or even a steak sandwich and a glass or red wine. I'm still witnessing all this as an observer, but maybe that's on that list of fears I need to walk into, open-armed, chest out, taking it as it comes. I learnt about saying yes again, and the whole thing was one big meditation practice - noticing perceived failures and accepting them; taking those steps I was ready to take and not those I wasn't, and giving myself a break for not being perfect. I feel refreshed, less tired than I planned to be, and ready for the next phase.