Day 598: Turtle + Lettuce = ...?

Me

Today, for the first time, possibly not for the last, I was offered (and given) a free cappuccino and a croissant, hot off the tray, in return for pretending to be a turtle. 

I was at posho Citizen M, a boutique hotel in Southwark, to meet a coaching client. I was well dressed and professional, but I had my sequined turtle purse with me. That sounds like a Profanisaurus-worthy euphemism, but it's just a coin purse. I explained what I believe to be true, which is that it was given to me by a friend (Clubba, Face, Beec? - I can no longer remember who) because I LOOK like a turtle. 

My reward

They laughed and (politely) said 'you? no, you don't look like a turtle!'. I insisted that I did. They asked me to show them and I agreed, on condition that they brought me lettuce. The girl got my refund out (I'd asked if it was worth a free coffee) while the boy, who had been kissing her hair a minute before, flitted off to the kitchen and came back with a plate of mixed leaves and a colleague. 

I duly tucked my chin into my collar, rolled up my eyes, stuck my neck out and leant in for the lettuce, chewing with my tongue before descending back into my shell. They cackled; we all said we'd made each other's day; we agreed not to speak of it again. My client arrived and we had a good session. I am a grown-up and a professional. I have arrived. 

Speaking of turtles: ARSE! I bought a bike helmet yesterday, to replace the one I've dropped a thousand times. I WISH I'd seen this one first.