Day 619: Internal Backlash Pie

Message from my fear-mind #1

Oh, fantastic! (Actually fantastic - not in a sarcastic way). I just had a big, fat anxiety dream about the TEDx talk thing. Very funny (though terrible a the time, I woke up crying about it!). I was in a big class of people - I was their peer, but they were mostly in their late teens. We had to show a tiny action on the yoga mat, and I did it 'wrong' - and had to do it again. Everyone was irritated. Then after announcing what came next (which was a set of practical tasks - chores etc) the teacher said to me that maybe it'd be better if I did something on my own, given that everyone was so upset with me. That moment - the one where you think you're okay and you find out that people think you're a dick. The anticipation of that feeling has stopped me doing so many things! And there it was.

Message from my fear-mind #2

I pushed him to deal with it in the class and handle it openly, rather than just let it sit, and I genuinely still didn't understand what I'd done in my badly-done movement on the mat that had made people cross. So clumsily, it was brought up, and people started saying - with laughs of disdain, disgusted faces and lots of irritation - that it was because of the TEDx talk. They went on to name all the things that have been spinning around in MY head about what was/might be wrong with it (which, fuck you, unconscious fear and shame mechanisms, I'm not going to name here). And they still didn't want me in their group. And most of them still thought I was a dick. Even the ones that were humane about it were making it clear that they'd be nice to me, but I was still a total nob who'd embarrassed myself. 

"Does that make me Craaayyyzaaayyyy?"

And the dream also involved climbing up a slope under a net with a flapping jackdaw who was singing 'Crazy' just like Gnarls Barkley, and kept apologising that he couldn't stop it coming out. I was both aware that this was weird and a bit beaky/flappy, and that it was very cool to be so close to such a beautiful bird (and to be having a conversation with it, which didn't even show up as odd.) How lucky am I?, I thought. We may have been excluded, but we were excluded together, and man, that bird can sing!  LOVED that part!

I love the unconscious mind. I love how my fear decides not to leave me, even after the event is over. It makes me massively keen to do more things that scare the shit out of myself. 
It's worth it.