I'm in La Paz. It was by no means my intention, certainly at the start (though at the start of what, I couldn't tell you).
Two weeks or so ago, I was supposed to fly 'home', back to England, because that's what you do, isn't it, when you were born there, when you've been living and working there for years and years and years (since last time you upped and went travelling, anyway) and when it's full of people that you love and miss. Only I didn't.
About two months before the date of the flight, I remember saying to John (who now, weirdly, is on his own way back to the country he comes from) that I was feeling uncomfortable, because I suspected I wasn't going back – not soon, at least. He laughed and said 'Oh yeah, I remember that. It'll pass.' He was right. I don't feel uncomfortable any more.
When I was still in the phase of deciding, I was prodded with weepy dreams of having 'done the right thing' and gone home, despite the nag that said that now was not the time. They were full of fraughtness and a feeling of 'oh no, what did I do?' and of being lost and out of place in the writhing mass of London.
I did try to change my flight, but the price was prohibitive. As I waited for them to call me back to confirm that this really was the case, my belly was a-bubble and my heart was all excited. When they came back with a reasonable fee for the change, it sank and died. He gave me a few minutes to decide and call him back, but the decision was made – I let it go. When he called back to say they couldn't do my dates, it was easy to say 'just let it go, then'. Either way, there was no way I was getting on it, and what's the point of paying hundreds of pounds for a date you know you're not going to make anyway.
So to all those beloved people I will miss for longer (most of whom don't read this blog, some of whom do), I love you more than ever before, in fact, because I had to think about you so hard deciding that this journey right now had to carry on even if it meant not seeing you. I am grateful beyond measure for how many fantastic people I have in my life, many of them spattered (spat?) around the world already. I'm grateful for the richness and the sweetness of the people who cross my path here, from heartfelt deep friendships to casual kitchen chats with open-faced sweethearts. Thank you, that force that is providing this. Thank you all for being who you are. I'm terribly pleased with you, whether we get to be close right now or not.
And thank you, sweet soul sister, for being both the rock and the water that helps me flow and hold.
Europe, see you sometime. South America, let's do this.
(internet too slow for pictures, which is a shame - I have some crackers I'd love to share)
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