Day 354: Uncertainty

I barked out loud at the beauty of today. An arrangement to meet Mel South Africa at the pond dragged me in an ungainly way from my bed. I still have Pharoahe Monch's Simon Says as my alarm clock. It makes me cross and happy in equal measure when it wakes me up. If I'm going to be ripped from sleep (and today, that's how it was), I might as well be laughing and doing squeezy bum-dancing as I come to cloudy consciousness. So uncool!  

Victoria Sandison

I had my last actual physical proper go on Victoria Sandison on Saturday afternoon before she ups and offs to Australia for a year. So my last actual go on her for a while, that's all. She's done so much to make my life better. Some of the best laughing I've done in the last two years has been looking at her face. She warms me from the bones out, that one. I look forward to falling off my seat laughing at it again very soon, with me in one country, and her in another, almost as far apart on the clock as you can get. 

and again

I love watching people laugh down their phones at each other. There's something in the combination of loss of control (proper laughing is a big release - you don't decide to do a real laugh, it does itself to you) and focus (pointing said laugh into a handset so the other person can hear it, sometimes even taking turns) that fills me with joy. And the added glee of imagining all those little skypey picture pixels zizzing through magic ethernet pie into space (just like phones do, I know, but still) and flubbing up on the other side of the world is very pleasing too. Every cloud. 

She was always going to leave clouds, Victoria Sandison, on account of being so very loved and people missing her. And they were always going to be lined with glitter too, because she makeen so mach ob the happy happeneem. Just so you know, Victoria... just in case you're reading... I'm having a tiny cry, but in a good way - just glisteny and bug-eyed and maybe a bit throaty. You know, like when you cry, only without any ungainly sobbing.

Cold and sunny and just so breathtakingly beautiful in the water today. Once again, try not to be present when there are seven degrees centigrade fighting for your attention on every different bit of your body, especially, today, the forearms and the backs of the knees. Lovely morning with Mel. Eggs (well, egg) Florentine blew my tits off. It was weep-worthy. Good conversation. Yoga at mine instead of at the class in Dalston. I know it's not as good a work-out, but it does tell me how very far I have to go to be okay with this yoga month. 

Oooh, and thanks for the job. Staff Member no.2 on a corporate training vid for Gala Bingo. Well, I said I wanted to be an actor... and I am one. Get me. Get... Me. 

current state

I'm suddenly a bit thinky after a text - not in a terrible way - just in a 'what to do?' way, so stopping now. It's funny how it's a little micro-reflection of a bigger situation. I've just given my notice on this place where I'm living. I feel that the other options that have been my saviours are no longer really open without cost to relationships that are important to me, so I'm feeling suddenly very homeless again (albeit by my own hand, and because certain solutions that ARE possible seem not... though that's not true).

desired state

Not having a home is so... unstable. I've loved the solidness of this place, and the mixture of absolute autonomy and warmth. Lovely people who really don't give a shit what I'm up to. They really are lovely, all of them. Washing machine. Perhaps a bath too many, but it's not a problem. That's such a comfort food. A deep bath, too long, too hot. (hot water/cold water - both make me feel sane again). 

interim late-night anxiety

I wish I felt more at one with the room and the noise levels. And I wish I was loaded enough to make up my mind when I get back... I don't want to be beholden. Perhaps I'm giving up something really good in the hope of something better... and while there's a commendable striveyness in that, maybe it's just foolish. I love having a base and I love this ease and living with these easy, good people. I'm scared again. I'm scared of that fluidity of not really having a home or somewhere I can be and shut the door behind me and know it's all fine. Scared of uncertainty. That's the core of it, isn't it? Scared of not knowing. It's a valid scared, sometimes a useful one, sometimes not. Not right now, since that's what I've decided. 

the big hand

Grateful for all these options which, though some of them may kind of feel it, are not life or death, eat or starve, compromise or be in danger. They're just things to let settle, that's all. Maybe I'm just being licked by the benevolent cat of destiny. It's a good image. Time to embrace?