Day 2: Repeat, Only Different

There was never such a flowing, juicy and rich time in my life but the 100 days (more like 200, in fact. I couldn't stop!) that I did a gratitude practice every day by writing a blog post. It was this blog in its previous incarnation - Reasons to be Grateful - and I was religious about posting it. 

Since then, I've meant to start again and haven't. Now's the time. Now is always the time. 

Since that time, my life has changed in all kinds of magical ways. I've moved God knows how many times, fallen in love once or twice, been disappointed and temporarily elated. I've adopted two little dogs. 

I've yearned and waited and missed the chance to do a number of things I really thought I wanted. Some of them, I can still do and others not. I feel acceptance and frustration about many of them. They sit next to each other in silence like old acquaintances. 

I feel like I'm finally starting to settle into my bones, into the flesh I landed into, into the skin that holds it. 

My God looks nothing like this (and also exactly like this
because Everything).

And (and this is a big one - strap in) I have 'found God'. That word, especially spoken publicly, still first conjures a sense of terror in my belly - a learned fear of being though stupid or weak or rabidly misguided, and definitely a sense of shame. 

But then I think about what it means to me, and I start to see words like 'salvation' with different eyes. That word starts to mean connection, returning and coming home. And from that solid base of home, everything is possible out in the world. 

When I was younger - in my teens and twenties - I was afraid to go into churches in case I was infected with religion. I had learnt that the need for religion, church or God, whatever that meant, was contemptible. Family Rules included mocking anyone who believed in pretty much anything (except, of course, Science, and whatever 'WE' believed). 

Thing is, I could feel it. What the it I felt was, I'm not entirely sure, but it was there, tangible, a cross between warmth and something else. Spirals. A presence. Spirit. I sense this same feeling anywhere people pray or meditate or do yoga (not Bikram). So I'm not saying God was standing behind me like a creepy stalker, but that I sensed something that I couldn't explain and it scared me.

Also looks like this

Now, nearly 30 years later, there's a sense of something greater that I just can't deny. And I can call it God without feeling stupid. I can call it all kinds of other things too, but most importantly, I can interact with it, and with the part of me that is already it, and it feels like home. 

I'm grateful for this and I'm hungry for the connection and change that gratitude brings.

So I'm repeating my 100 days of worshipping what is, whatever it may be. It may be standing behind me, laughing. I like to think so.