Day 7: Ego Menagerie

There are no good 'Narcissist' images, so here are some
animals looking a bit machinatory. Or not. They do that!

I'm very aware of my own need for this post to be 'good', so I'm outing myself. 

Some lovely people have been reading and saying flattering things and OHHHHH, doesn't my ego love that! And that's okay. There's no harm in enjoying people enjoying the blog. The only harm is in then deciding to write the blog for that purpose and engineering it to harvest the praise. 

That's tits in a bag. It's the opposite of the point. I shan't. Or if I shall in any way, I'll make sure I can't pretend to myself or anyone else that it's not the case. 


I am a born pleaser. Or a made one. Which reminds me: I was watching videos about narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths the other day. The difference, apparently, between a sociopath and a psychopath is that a sociopath is the product of nurture: abusive upbringing, neglect and early betrayal are among the things that can rob a human of its natural empathy and hard-wiring for connection and create a sociopath. 

Is this piglet about to fuck you over?

Psychopaths, on the other hand, are born that way. They don't have the receptors to register other people's pain and their ethical compass exists only as a reproach thrown at them by others. They're not entirely sure what it means. They can pretend, if it serves them, but they don't have that organ. 

And narcissists, oh, you tortured torturers! Narcissists are driven by a need to serve the self even at the cost of others. They're master manipulators, practised revenge artists and charming as fuck when they want to be, BUT they suffer, at least a little bit, when they do harm.

Narcissism was described as an inner emptiness that needs to be filled with external fuel, be that a trophy job/partner/child/lifestyle, money or other people's energy. They're great at galvanising others into action. They're successful people, often, clever, charismatic and driven ones, but not happy ones, in the main.

What about this charming guinea pig/hamster thing?
Is she gathering information on you so she can shaft you?

Because as Queen of Wise, Anne Lamott says about focusing on the reward of being published instead of the act of writing, 'there's not enough out there - there's not enough love in the world', you won't sell enough copies' (etc)... It has to come from within, and if that's not possible, it's an exhausting addiction to keep trying to fill it with another lover, another public success, another act of making yourself bigger by making another smaller. Like bailing out a sinking ship, only... backwards. 

This need isn't reserved only for narcissists, but it's a quality they have more than there outer casings would suggest.

I've had a number of significant narcissists in my life - lovers, family members, friends, and many of them in a teacher/leader role, often with a spiritual bent. 

That's common because spiritual leaders are very compelling and the role attracts a steady stream of fodder in the shape of students and seekers, all willing to cough up their deepest fears in their quest for enlightenment, only for that to be processed into manipulation leverage. 

Many people seeking spiritual development (and narcissists, in fact) have had trauma, neglect or exposure to narcissists in a significant role in their early development*, which makes them even more likely to be drawn to authority figures who have those familiar traits. 

* Healing Developmental Trauma, by Heller & Lapierre, is a fascinating book, though the audiobook version is read with such jolly woodenness that the Amazon reviews are (very pleasingly) full of discussion about whether the relief or early trauma patterns the book affords is worth the re-traumatisation the narrator causes. 

Cute but deadly, apparently.  Classic narcissist. Do not approach.

Narcissists are also great at surrounding themselves with buffer people who clean up the carnage they wreak. I saw this in full flow in a course I recently left. I spoke to people in that role who were very aware of they dynamic but unable, for the moment at least, to break away. Or they just didn't want to, but there was definitely a familiar internal conflict in most of them. 

And it's really bloody hard. They often have something good to offer, something people really want, but at a cost** that I'm not willing to pay. I'm thankful to have moved away from that particular situation, and I'm calling in earlier and earlier radar warnings should I find myself compelled again. 

** An energetic cost as well as a financial one, this time. I couldn't recoup the latter, but I've got my energy back tenfold since leaving. A satisfying sign. 

Dapper As Fuck. Watch out. He'll eat your soul.
You may enjoy it. (Artist Yago Partal)

This one was particularly useful. It had to become intensely painful before I broke away, but after the months of back-and-forthing and an arduous decision-making process, it's felt fabulous to have done that.  Here's too that lesson logged, and gratitude - for the experience and the choice I made, and in advance to my future self for choosing a different path much earlier any time it becomes necessary.

And who knows... 20 posts down the line, I may have discovered my own narcissism (there are lots of types... it's kind of fascinating). I don't think so, but perhaps I'm blinkered to my own pathology. 

Ah well. If I'm not, what a relief, and if I am, just think how good that post will be: poignant, searingly honest, moving and humbling. It'll be a like magnet, and my fuel cup, for that moment at least, will overflow. 

So, you know... Every cloud.