Grateful: Day 16 - Dogs and Nature

Despite this morning's sleepy grumpfest, I found something out this morning: that no matter how bad my mood, a dog and a bit of nature will make me smile.

Sometimes it happens quite despite myself. When I'm glum or down or running a mental narrative that undermines every fibre of my being, I don't do it by halves. I commit to it. My physiology drops, my focus goes in, I let my visual imagination create pictures of grubby, sordid nastiness and equate them with my everything that is me. I'm very good at it, actually, and quite determined.

And then along comes a dog - doesn't really matter which, but anything short-haired and muscular is especially good, and dogs with beards, especially females, make me forget all of that shit and grin.

And nature. Walking, already, feeling the cold air on my face and letting my eyes be drawn by flashes of colour or movement help massively. Wuerzburg is splattered with colour. It's ripe with it. And it's really doing Autumn like nobody else - its colours are all from the Autumn Hues pallete - deep orangey browns or browny oranges; bright yellows; ochres and dark, beech colours.

And this morning, in the midst of the autumnal fire colours was a bright pink rose, brazenly summery, glowing away when every other flower on that plant had already gone rosehip. And further a long, a bush that made me stop and go back - like upside-down fire. Deep red and orange on the tips and hidden yellow underneath.

Yesterday, in the throes of my dark brain corridors, I did a terrible pair of scenes in an impro show and decided I didn't deserve to a. call myself an improviser b. ever perform again, ever c. be alive. It seems ridiculous when I write it, but for a moment it was all true. Today was much gentler and I'm grateful for that.

Patti Stiles really is an inspiring creature, rife with authenticity. What she teaches, she also speaks and breathes. She lights up other people's faces by finding their joy and when she does, her face lights up too. Her energy a pleasure to be bathed in.

I had a love scene - a love dance, in fact - with the lady with the deep green eyes. We started a scene without words and there was a blurring wether we were playing characters or ourselves. We picked up a game we'd played in an earlier part of the workshop - a movement/contact improv game - and it became a dance of love and connection. The scene went through a change and we lost each other for a while, but we realised this love was worth embracing and we danced and gazed into each other's eyes, all with the permission of a theatre scene.

That's SOOOOOOO out of my comfort zone. I've spent the last few months thinking about how I couldn't ever imagine myself in such a situation, being warm and intimate, or even in a relationship. And there we are, playing at it. Like pre-verbal children making consonant sounds to practise for real words. It was an absolute gift. I bless her and it. A joyful scene. Our watching partner was squealing with delight and goosebumps by the end of it.

And I said hello and goodbye to lots of very pleasing people today. None of the people I was in the show with yesterday shunned me for being awful - much as they could have done if they'd believed what I chose to believe.

And I'm inspired by this festival. I want to make this happen in London, or at least in UK. We can DO THIS SHIT! I'm already talking about it in the present. Please, please please, let's do this.

Big fat thanks for Max Windholz, Kati Schweitzer and lots of new friends. And for an unexpected and delightful afternoon with Emily 'Cuphead' Wilkinson. Such a pleasing person.

Love and fake teeth.