Grateful: Day 46 - ... grateful

I'm feeling all blessed again today. Very blessed.

I accompanied beloved Ruth to The Whittington this morning. People were lovely. She was lovely. There was warmth and good care all over the place, even from the first moment. And we got there about 6.35, so that's quite a feat.

I left her just after 7, more nervous than I was showing (I hope). I love her dearly, and any kind of procedure has risks, but I felt in my belly that it would be alright, and thank goodness, or God, or nurses and doctors, or the universe, it was. I am very grateful.

I spent the morning talking to interesting people about things they cared about, and got paid for it (or I will, at least). Based on that, I get to decide what I'd like to do with them in half a day to enrich their experience. Some really impressive nuggets from some fascinating nugget-makers.

I'm laughing at myself because I want to write something and I feel a bit ashamed. That's funny. I can't write that - people will think badly of me. Aah well, think what you think. It's okay. You might be right. You might not. Time will tell.

So in my yoga class last night, my teacher made lots of adjustments. Last week, he made hardly any, to anyone. One to a new person, I think. This week, he did the tour of the class for pretty much every posture, moving a hand here, a head there, whispering instructions. And I noticed something i hadn't noticed before.

When his hand had left wherever it had been - on my back, moving my arm etc - there was a tangible sensation of heat and energy for about a minute after, if not slightly longer. Really clear. The quality of the energy was also very clear. It was calm, present, connected - and hot like a thick coffee cup hot - not at first, but after a moment.

When my first yoga teacher, lovely, gentle Anita Holland, would touch me, either to adjust me or just to calm me, I would feel like someone had just drained the holding and tension out of me. I'd feel a wave of calm. When she spoke, I'd see a misty morning and dew and soft clouds rolling down a mountainside. So very soothing. His energy is different, but equally honest and present and healing (sorry Rob/Sandison - hippy warning has come WAY too late today).

I felt embarrassed about writing about this because I'm evidently quite sweet on the man, rightly or wrongly, but that wasn't the kind of touch it was. It was a totally different communication.

What I'm excited about are these energies on many levels. This is the first time in a long time I've been aware of these energy flows apart from when I'm giving a massage. There again, it's a calm, honest, loving and entirely non-sexual energy that's passing. I don't feel it very specifically, but I feel the general flow.

And then, of course, there's the other application - the tantric one, is how this school would describe it. These energies are there. They exist. Or I feel them, at least, so for me they do. If they can be used to communicate that kind of love that's calm and reassuring, that creates safety and trust and a feeling of being nurtured on lots of levels, then it can also be used for more dynamic purposes, like sex, but not just the raw shag kind - something a bit more interesting.

And okay, I have a bit of a crush on my teacher. It wouldn't be the first time that's happened in the world. But that's not the point. There are people - lovely, balanced, fascinating people as well as possibly some who aren't - who experience this kind of energy. German smiling in the street man had it. Other people have it. It's a kind of consciousness thing. It's a connected thing. It's a brand new thing for me, to think about focussing it for anything except safety and relaxation, so I might have all kinds of sticks by the wrong end. But there's a lot to find out, and it sounds like with the right environment and lots of luck, which, if nothing else, I seem to have, it could be just what I need.

So it's not about one person - it's about a whole new way of looking at things that are already there, and then possibly developing them more once they've been all looked at and shit. There's more to this. Much more.

It's time. (To be spoken in sci-fi voiceover style, and taken to mean whatever you like)