Day 343: Falling, Falling.

I love the autumn. It's a whole gift. It makes me happy, in its colours, in its smells, quite simply in its nature. 

I've been sad at times today, even with the leaves and smells and wind and lifting, but I've been so hugely blessed too. The sadness is okay and entirely appropriate (or so I like to think) and probably caused by a bit of a mixed pie of things. And the blessings come from everywhere.

I've been given patience, in running and in listening, and facts. Lots of facts. I've been shown a shirt that looks like a penis. I've laughed. I've received wise words and openness from yet another friend. 

And poetry - that was given to me this evening by Sharon Olds, a white-haired magician, gifted at capturing a moment in its tiniest intimacy. Stag's Leap. To be wholeheartedly recommended. A beautiful, heartbreaking, joyful and honest painting of the end of a relationship and her life beyond it. Huge. She was gentle in her face and with her words and the questions she took were poetry too, or her answers were. I'm very glad I went to see her and I'm very glad indeed that she does what she does. Inspiration, then, another of today's gifts. 

I've received a pouring out of information through the absence of words from someone. Whether the information I'm gathering is accurate, though, is dubious. I think already perhaps I took information from something that wasn't intended. Still... I'm not sure what this silence says. If I listened to my own advice, I'd say 'Whatever you've assumed, the only assumption you can safely make is that you've probably assumed wrong.'. Okay. Let's go with that. Let's wait and see.

There have been a few end-of-the-lines today. My bike, by Holloway Road. Back tyre fucked. Probably the wheel too, as it took me a while to notice what was wrong. Then the bus I got on stopped. I sat on it, lost in thoughts, until the irritated driver came and told me that 'this bus terminates here'. After that, I heard the 'all change please' lady's voice which had been insisting on the point for quite a while.  I fussed for a moment about whether I'd have to pay again to get another, more crowded, bus, but then I walked, which cleared my head and made me breathe all differently. 

Tomorrow, there'll be a choosing what to say - guilty or not guilty. That will decree only what has to happen next. It won't have any bearing on what's true. I hope for the simplest of outcomes. There's a part of me that feels bad for putting people to all this trouble. Now I understand that I am not in a position influence this any more than I am to force talk or change how someone feels. It's just so. That in itself's a gift.

I've had cold water all around me, cloudy landscapes, clarity and buffetting. I've had salad and paté and laughter. I've had work in - small amounts, but very pleasing, and from two different countries, neither of them here. I've had a lovely walk up from Highgate - one of the joys of having no bike for a day or two - and I've come home safe to a room with a bed in, a door I can lock, a big, warm quilt and even lavender oil, valerian and a wheat bag. That's good, isn't it? I can only say it is. 

Today, tomorrow, even, there will be some autumning of things that need to fall. The timing's perfect. The scene is set. Bring it on.