Day 385: Fear Has Many Faces

Ulp!

Isn't the internet great! It is, though. Today, I checked a German job and a Spanish job using Google Translate and some free - and very comprehensive - online dictionaries. 

Brilliant. The whole internet, I mean.

That's not to say that I don't love paper dictionaries. I love them more than I can tell you. I love the weight of them and the smell and the serendipity of new words, stumbled across in the search for something. I know they're less efficient, but aren't they delightful? I love the font of a Collins, too. 

The Internet brought us this 'gem'.

The internet, though. What a gift (and a bane - we'll get to that in another post). You can check shit out just like that. Like this morning, I attempted to do Ashtanga after just four or five classes in Leeds and I forgot it. I've downloaded an Ashtanga Primary Series chart, so tomorrow, I'll have it in front of me when I practise. If I wanted to, I could watch a YouTube clip of pretty much every sequence. I could also just sign up for yoga online and have someone show me the moves just so. That would miss part of the point, or at least part of the pleasure, of practising with other people. You have to admit, though, it's mighty useful. And if you're still not sure that it's brilliant, there's always this.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b9lT3wZNWw4&feature=youtu.be Again! It never fails to lift my mood. Not so far. 

Scary? Or looking stupid?

I've been thinking about fear today, and appropriateness. Partly inspired by a conversation with the Grundel, by the pond, by other conversations too, and conversations not had. There are so many things we (I?) don't do because of fear. Of course there are pragmatic things, like walking alone through a park at night. On balance, though, I bet that even though most people would agree that this is unwise, especially for a woman - though for men too - you could walk through a good ninety-five percent of the time, maybe more, without anything untoward happening. 

Then there are the questions you don't ask (for fear of looking stupid), the risks you don't take for fear of failing (and looking stupid), the requests or offers you don't make in case you overstep some imaginary line, which, if you think about it, its almost certainly in a different place for every single person who perceives it... so you might as well go in with your big feet ready to tread, because even the carefullest of us will overstep SOMEONE'S line. Don't worry, though. They'll probably be too scared to say anything. 

Not THAT scary, this one.

I know I'm not saying anything new, but it's on my mind so I'll say it anyway. These limitations are so often just entirely made up. I know there are social norms and I'm a great one for tutting (internally more than vocally) when the ones that are important to me are ignored by other people. 

Then there are people who do things when they really are in danger, like the man this article is about http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-21499068 (thanks Snr Otley, for the link). This doctor is in danger and the women he's helping are too. They're still getting on with it and doing the things they need to do. 

This doesn't even make them 'better' people. You can't BE better, you can just behave better, surely. You can get better at the stuff you want to get better at (rather than constantly practising the stuff you don't). You can do better. It does make me think, though. There are so many things I not only don't do because I'm scared, in a not-real way, but I spend a long time thinking about doing (or not doing) those things. Get a grip, girl. There's work to be done. Start doing some of it, why don't you?

Pretty fucking terrifying. And yet harmless.
Except in your dreams.

Speaking of work, I am full of gratitude for two bits of work in discussion today and more on the way, and for the two jobs (one paid, one not) that I enjoyed, finished and sent off today. I want to work like a beast these next few months and make heaps of money to do some things I really really really want to do that need some. I do lovely jobs, so it's hardly a chore. I want to do them, very much I want to do them. AND I want to do some nice, big, juicy things that involve travelling and learning and spending time with spiritual, wonderful people, teachers, friends, doing things that inspire me and other people. 

Rarrrghhhh!

I'm grateful for yoga and the pond and Mel (again), involved in both. I'm grateful for an early start and lotsish done. I'm grateful for how much richer my experience is for the good people who sweeten it and make it more interesting. Many of them are curious creatures. That pleases me. What if we faced fears not even with a sense of combatting them or overcoming them, but just finding out. What's this? What's behind it? More importantly, what happens when I do that thing it's begging me not to do? Now THERE's a good project. Yes please.