Day 11: Oversharing

This guy is part of the whole

Wow. My ego/fear/overwhelm voice is so strong that when I move close to something I want, it tells me I would be better off not in this world. It doesn't say 'than to do x'. It says 'the world would be better off without you'. It's pretty forceful. 

This, in this moment, is one of the things that is, and if I'm to be true to myself and to this challenge, I must worship it. I must thank it for showing up and shouting, and letting me know that I'm onto something. 

I must bow down in humility to all the work it's done to keep me from harm and I must take it by the hand (paw?) and show it that it's barking at shadows. 

There are other things here too - gratitude for lovely exchanges, for understanding, for all my needs being met. 

This one is like the party guest who's drunk too much and takes all the attention, whether that be in holding court with loud stories, crying into a bottle of gin in the kitchen or throwing up down the back of the sofa (where lots of people are sitting). Anything for attention. 

Pema Chödrön goes on and on (she'd agree) about nurturing unconditional friendship with the self. That means loving myself when I'm in the midst of listening to that destructive voice, when I'm facing real truths about things that need to change, when I'm standing up to old stories and when I'm breaking under them. 

Monsters have less substance than they
believe themselves to have

Just like in a relationship with another person, I can't wait until that person changes, realises I'm right or comes to me bathed in apology. I get to make the first move. I have to. It's a leap into the unknown. 

hearts and flowers? you're spoiling us

The love for that fallible friend has to come first and fully, as fully as is possible in this moment, and then it has to be watered and given Baby Bio and sung to sweetly. 

So here's to a loving lullaby tonight, a bit of heavy metal, maybe, or a chant. Here's to a song and a word of nurture and to a big old dose of heart (see below)

Here's to worshiping the what is that we don't want to be, and doing it with the same sacredness as the bits it's easy to love. 

Massive fucking heart. Thanks, Latto.