Day 12: Out of Body

I've spent quite a lot of today out of my body. It's a place I'm quite familiar with and one I feel like attempting to describe. 

Much too spooky

It's a bit like... have you ever been about to faint? There's a moment just before it happens - it probably already happening, in fact, but it feels like you're on the lip, just about to go - when you're aware of something being about happen in that body there, but you feel a slight detachment from the body in question. 


Sometimes time slows down and you have a little time to plan - to check for things not to fall onto, for example, or to make a note of where your phone is in case you need to call someone to come and help you. I realise that perhaps that's MY experience of fainting because I'm quite good at jumping up out of my flesh suit into a space just behind it. 

For me, it's like I'm standing on a low step just behind myself. I'm close enough to sense that person. If we were in a horror movie, the outside version of me would be nuzzling the corporeal one's neck, almost, and everyone would be feeling a little bit uncomfortable. 

What the fuck?

From the inside, it's a bit like looking through my own eyes through perspex. I can see out, but there's a separation. There's definitely a slightly grainy, slightly slow-moving quality to that out-thereness, and a difference in acoustics. 

It's meta, that's what it is. It's being aware of a constant meta-narrative of 'here this is, happening (so where am I?), trying to focus on the external and feeling drawn by something shiny and strong at the inside of my brain. A little bit of meta, wherever I am.

I've been calling myself back in by sensing specific body parts, especially lower ones (legs, feet, bottom on the seat etc), making sounds, and contracting a few muscles to see what changes. Making room inside my legs for that distant feeling to pour down and fill them up, and becoming curious about the sounds in my space. I haven't had a full reconnect yet, but I trust that it will come. 

If not, I'll take the advice I've been given and sit with that state like a guest or a person in a waiting room. There are different takes on this. Is it wise to sit with that part and have a cup of tea, or is that inviting it to stay for too long? Either way, it should feel accepted and easy - any sense of trying to banish it will only make it more determined. 

I'm going to a gig tonight. Looks like I have an unexpected guest. I wonder if it likes hip-hop.