Day 202: Yearning # 2 - Taut

Raggedy Annedroid did this.

Today, I yearn for purpose and for drive. I want my life to mean something, and in moments like these, it doesn't seem to. This is where yearning could be useful. What do I want this meaningful life to look like? What is it full of, and who? 


Without knowing that, I may never achieve it. Or even if I did, perhaps I wouldn't know and I'd waste my time feeling dissatisfied or somehow not quite there. And all that while, I could have been making more of it by spending less energy on all that dross.

I'm about to make choices about what to do this summer. It's important to me to be of use. I've been allocated a slot to do something in Uxbridge. The thing I have to do is good. The location makes me unhappy. I have done my time in Uxbridge. I stayed there four years loving those beautiful dogs. I loved them, but not the area. It's a place that brings me no joy and it's pretty much as far as you could get away from where I now live in London. It;s perverse. Give me Hackney - I'm there in 30 minutes. Give me Richmond, even. That's an hour. Uxbridge, and the particular part of Uxbridge I'd be in, will take me more than two hours each way. It'd take me longer to do that than to commute to Milton Keynes (ha HA! you see - things could be worse!). But Uxbridge is the Next of London suburbs. It's mediocre in all its ambitions. I've done it. I'm done with it. Pleeeaaase.

All this makes me yearn for the other option - a summer in Berlin. You can see why. But what I'll be doing in London will be of use (both to me and other people, I think). If Berlin means drifting around alone, wishing I was better, then maybe it's not such a great plan. But Uxbridge! And maybe Berlin doesn't. So I'm yearning for clarity, purpose and wisdom. Anyone have some? First option - speak to the organisation about the possibility of working in a different location. Yes. It's a start. And in between, have a meaty old think about what I do want, and why. 


One thing I have learned: part of my head things that changing location will somehow make me more creative/productive/wonderful. The practical part of me knows that it won't, and that the only thing that makes me more creative/productive/wonderful is just to get the fuck on and be those things. Once again, though, that's not the whole of it. 


It's funny how quickly the wind changes. Yesterday, I yearned for the attention of a partner, a lover, a date. Today, nothing seems further from reality, possibility or even desire. Can't imagine it. Can't think about wanting it. Can't see how it would work, in practical terms. Ha. Fucking Sundays. Here's to tomorrow!