Day 565: A Victim of String

Thank you. I've just (over the last 24 hours) understood that I've been operating in victim mode about a situation and believing myself, believing that the intensity of my discomfort was to do with the situation. That's just not true. The intensity of my discomfort has been my own doing. Weirdly, this isn't taking the form of a big stick for self-pummelling... it's a total gift. 

The situation itself is difficult for everyone involved, and in fact it just is. It can't really be helped - this is what the situation is. We struck a balance - possibly a misguided one - which seemed fair but in fact (although I can only hypothesise about the other person's perception at the moment) has probably been less than helpful for both of us. I can't regret it as such. We both did what we felt was right at the time, and it's only in the doing that the consequences show. I must remember that the next time I feel crippled by indecision. It's an old truism but it's, you know, true.

My commitment to being the victim of the situation made it so bad that I lost sleep, fretted constantly and threw myself into one of those over-quoted 'dark nights of the soul' - though of course if you'd asked me yesterday, I'd have told you I'd been thrown, and it definitely wasn't my fault. Ha! It's so funny looking at it from where I am right now and so not funny when I'm wrapped up in it like tangled string. The situation hasn't changed. The approach has.

Lovely singing man (whose name I don't seem to be able to retain even though I know him) flipped me out of it inadvertently, and a couple of other little realisations... like the fact that things not being exactly as I would like them to be (in any context) has nothing to do with right or wrong, good or bad, self-worth or the lack of it. And that old chestnut - that non-violent communication starts inside my head. If I speak to myself like as enemy I've invented, I have robbed myself of a foundation from which to be compassionate to other people. 

Thank you, various people, for the gifts you've given me. Rob, as so often, with acceptance and wisdom; Ruth, with laughter, proscuitto muffins and more; Nicole, so generous; lovely singing man; people whose naming feels weird and possibly misinterpretable, so I won't, but I am grateful. Phooo. That's better.