I randomly re-read day 31, about everything you do being a prayer, and it made me think. Have I done well today, on that front? What have I put out there to multiply. I think I did okay, actually. It certainly could have been worse.
I saw my sister and her family today. I wasn't late. Not much, anyway. Perhaps five minutes thanks to the chemist and her advice. I felt a little nervous, though not as much as last time. It's often hard. We've had a bit of a struggle, Anna and I, these last few years. It's still not easy.
But today, I had a slightly different mindset. Instead of going in with my own anger and expectations, I just went to see the children, and ignore whatever else. And her partner, who's always very nice to me. The children were delightful. My nephew always seems really pleased to see me, and we have a lovely time. There's lots of playing and super-fast chat. He's very intelligent, a sweet, almond-eyed brainbox. He laughs well. He's a pleasure. I love to see him.
And my niece usually looks like she's about to kill you with the power of her mind. She's wary of me, but sometimes she forgets that and seems at ease. Even when she frowns (which can be quite a high proportion of the time) she's cute, but when she's smiling and laughing, or speaking, or getting overjoyed at things, she could melt anyone, I think. We had a couple of nice exchanges, for which I'm grateful.
And it was all fine. I leave my sister to her own devices. Before, I've always tried not to care, but a lot of my focus has been on her. This time, a little different. I felt freer, and like I gave much less of a shit about how she might be perceiving me. I had my moments, of course, but I let myself be gentle, and breathe, and remember that it really is all just a game, and we're willing participants in the game. We can change the rules just any time we like. We can take a break. We can play a whole different game and we can choose whether or not we think of it in terms of winning or losing, or just playing.
Thank you for the picture of my niece, glowering like Queen Victoria. Absolutely mint.
We went to a flea market, where I bought, for very little money, a dress, a hat, a bag with printed cars and some very horrible notelets that make me laugh. And I bought a pair of magic gloves for a pound. They are better than nothing, that's all I'll say. I plan to go up Arthur's Seat tomorrow, and I'll need something.
My hat includes a small appendage, like a smallish penis, right on top. It's silly and really looks a bit crap, but the hat is a lovely colour, and very warm, so I shall emasculate it very soon, and sew up the resulting gap (there was discussion of leaving it for head-scratching purposes, but no. No.)
My nephew can program his lego robot to do things. He and his dad did a whole lot of programming today, and testing out. They made a robot that could draw different kinds of pictures, or that could bounce away from walls, playing different notes depending on what was going on. I am impressed.
He said the words 'if statement' so many times that I warned him my head was about to burst, my eyes to swell and pop and my brain to splat all over the kitchen. It only fuelled him on, so we played for a while at bursting, bubbling, exploding heads and eyeballs. It made us both laugh. He's six, by the way, my nephew. Six and bitching about software development like he'd been at it for years. Rolling his eyes at how badly some of it functions.
The lady that sold me the bag at first said she wasn't quite sure she wanted to let it go, so I went away and came back. I bought it the second time. I had lots of admiring comments for my coat. Everyone seemed to know it was Harris tweed. A Scottish thing? The lady I bought the dress from (£7.50), liked it so much,
I let her try it on. She looked great in it. She's thinner than me. I hope I'll be a bit thinner soon.
I don't mean 'I hope' in an 'I'm not going ot do anyting about it' way. I mean that I hope that what I'm doing and also planning to do will help. I'm bored of being that half stone fatter than the top of my comfortable range. I'd rather be hovering at the bottom of that, or a little lower. Around ten stone would suit me quite well, I think.
I have spa rash, it seems. Or scabies. From the pictures on the internet, it looks much more like spa rash and it's in all the right places. And I was indeed in a spa just the day before it started (8-48 hours after contact is the most usual delay, says the internet). It seems there may be nothing I can do about it, but I've applied a treatment for scabies, just in case it's that. I am at my wits' end.
It seems to be taking over my whole body. My back now, from the right, but spreading to the left. Still all over the sides of my waist, spreading more to front and back. My legs are no longer my own. My arms look like they've been grated and buffed. Anti-histamines do nothing (meaning it probably isn't an allergy) but I've just taken a drowsy one in the hope of sleep.
I have made an itching prayer today, then. I've been worshipping all day.
And a breathing prayer. And a bus prayer - I did a lot of bus time. And a family prayer.
Thank you to Esther Lilley, for her link. Lawrence, again - it was lovely to come home to a warm and welcoming flat, and for him
to be fine to have me here and go out and do his thing.
Now i must sleep. More dog joy and tenant officialling tomorrow. Looking forward to it. And on that note.... here's the girl again.
Tomorrow, I shall make a prayer of work and dogs and DIY and settling and soothing. Wish me luck.
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