Just did yoga, innit. So pleasing when that's true. I did ten long breaths per posture, pretty much. A few more on some. It's not that much, but it's a good way of getting all the postures in. I don't know enough yet to understand which to leave out and still move the energy nicely, ending all grounded. Lovely, soothing Anita Holland talked about that a lot. Moving the energy to different places. And making balance happen, all gentle.There's a strange peace in some postures that appears - like a vault in your core that just becomes and then there it is, existing. It makes it easier to hold the posture for longer because whatever struggle the mind or muscles may be experiencing, that part is present, calm, deep like dark water. Again, it doesn't stop the struggle, but it co-exists with it, and just by being, makes things clear.
I swam one life ring further in the pond. I didn't use my socks. I'm tempted, but maybe when there's ice. Yes, then. Thank you for the man who's been sitting where I park my bike. Two days running the same man. Sometimes others. All are friendly and nice to talk to.
I was all smiling this afternoon. I spent my time at The Hub today, once I managed to get off my arse. I just wanted to see people,really. Sweet, sleep-deprived Anna Levy, still busy being lovely to everyone despite exhaustion. Multi-Alecs - very good. His warmth pleases me very much. I laughed a lot with Imogen and got a weave in when she had a problem with her knitting (a Mobius Strip - very Blake's Seven). My knitting ninja friend Kate knows her shit and generously agreed to help. And someone whose name I don't even know made me a cup of tea, just like that. I should know his name, but I forget unless I'm bitten with it. And then Louise did too - I had to ask her name. So nice, to be made tea by virtual strangers.
I'm experimenting, thanks to coaching suggestions, with trusting things and letting go of control. It's been on my mind since a friend gave me some feedback on my visible need to be in control of situations, and so I've wanted to try new things. Trouble is, it can become a vicious circle (and did a week or so ago) - aha - you want to control not being in control - there's no hope for you! But playing with it (thank you, Sarah). That could really work.
I think I failed today, but I had a nice time doing it. I wanted air in my tyres. I've been working harder than I need to to get up hills, partly because I always carry too much shit, and am therefore heavier than I need to be, and because my tyres were getting low. But I imagined them saying no and that's not the experience I wanted. I got as far as just outside and turned away. I couldn't control them saying yes or no, so I decided not to go in.
Cue first mental chat outside the shop. What if you just went in anyway, and let things be as they are going to be. If they say no, you'll survive. If they say yes, you'll survive too. See what happens. Oh, and then I spotted (not that I wasn't searching, scouring for something) that my back brake pads were worn almost through. I have been feeling it. Hence failure. I went in asking for air AND brake pads. They'd be rude to say no to that.
I went in, though, and if I hadn't taken that time out, I wouldn't have done that. And what a reward. The man at the till was not the shop's owner, and was pretty grumpy. He agreed to let me have air, but stopped me when I tried to flip the bike with a world-weary 'No, DON'T do that please'. Might have well have rolled his eyes. I think he did.
He taught me that there's no need. I said 'you're right about this, and I'm wrong' which seemed to please him. Then he said (one of my favourite lines of the day): "Oh, and if you're thinking ooh, does my chain need oiling, IT DOES!". And with that, he managed to sell me some oil, still being a bit rude, but very funny. He then went on to tell me about all the customers who had exasperated him in the past few days (hilarious).
Meanwhile the owner of the shop had come out and was chatting about Ruth's bike, which his friend bought for his daughter but now rides himself, and how he tells everyone that I used to be a banker and now I'm a stand-up comedian. Neither of those facts is true - the banker thing comes from me having pretended to be a banker on an acting/training job - but I encouraged him to keep telling it like that. If it encourages people to do more of what they love and less of what they think they ought to do, why change? The detail is not true, but the general shape of things is. Why split hairs?
Anyway, between them, they really made me howl. I didn't really honour the 'not in control' thing, but I had a lovely time, and left smiling all big. I smiled a lot on the tube too, and on the way to it. Remember to keep walking. Remember to keep moving. If ever I'm in trouble, that always helps.
Oh, and thank you for TWO unsolicited offers of work today - thank you Amanda Dormon and Heike Reißig - back atcha whenever I can. I may be able to do one of them, and I know who can do the other. Loving This. And just that phrase reminds me that Sandison's been on my mind a lot, as has Pudding. You both... you both... eeeeeee. I hope I see them soon.
And oh, the key lime pie. I bought one, shelf life up today (a solstice pie?) and took it back to The Hub. It seemed to have a drug-like effect on those of us that ate it. Cat-nip, you could say. Or when I was a teenager, a brand of weed called sensemelia had a reputation for bringing on the giggles. Quite honestly, I never had much luck with it, and that's long past as a thing to do now, but key lime pie? Bugger me! It seemed everyone was affected - we were all rosy-cheeked and giddy. It was really quite nice. Alecs had his later, and didn't go silly, so maybe it was a collective mood, like the vapours. Whatever it was... not bad going for £1.99 a pie.
Winter solstice! You know what that means. Seconds and minutes more light on the pond every day. It's coming. It's coming. The summer's on its way!
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