I leapt out of bed the second the alarm went off and got busy. Go me.
I tidied, packed, planned, got ready, left. Swam. No socks. The board still said 6. Felt more like 5, but my feet were bearable, so I didn't regret it, and I saw lovely Corinna - always a bonus.
The main focus of today was the ritual of yearly goals with Kate. We've been doing this now for probably five years. It feels good. I think I achieved most of my major goals this year. Not all, of course. There are some failures to achieve that I'm sorry about. I took my cello back today - there's one. I'm so sorry I'm not able to carry on at the moment, what with my wonderful teacher and such a beautiful instrument, but even if I can pay for the lessons, right now it's tricky to afford the cello itself. Does anybody have one they'd like to lend me? Some beautiful, velvet-bellied creature who needs to be played from time to time. Oh, I would be grateful. That was one of my fails. I didn't do my cello justice, or my teacher. But I just had to let go.
On the other hand, so much else has been wonderful. The process we use this.
1. Gratitude
2. Thank you and goodbye
3. Inviting in
4. Goals
(5. - separately, monthly goals, and/or weekly ones)
It's such a great thing to do. I'm grateful for so much this year - for all the work coming to me - I feel like I've been able to have a taste of some wonderful work with some wonderful companies and groups. I had my first professional acting job that wasn't corporate (playing God - can't beat it - wouldn't want to). I got paid to have lots of fun at the European Court of Human Rights. I get to make up my own workshops too, and play with people.
I ran workshops in mask, impro, creativity, Plain English, creative writing... We did Cellblock - our 26-hour fantasy show that ended up actually happening and Blew My Mind with how wonderful it was, how rich with all those people and all that talent.
I've done workshops on things that would strike dread into the hearts of hardier people than me. I've become hardier myself, though, by swimming daily in the pond. The sunrises I've seen this year. The beauty.
I've faced big, ugly challenges. I was trussed up in a deep, fighty depression during February and March, beset by disappointments and darkness and intenisified awareness all my failures at turning 40 (and none of the good bits). I've been effectively/officially homeless for more than half the year, and I am deeply, wholly, humbly grateful to all the people who have housed me and been wonderful, most deeply of course to Ruth - for this and for her friendship.
I get to say goodbye to some really long-term companions, not all of them welcome. Thank you for that. This end of year, thanks to swimming, yoga, loving friends and this blog and gratitude practice, I have been spared the depths of dark mind days most normal winters bring. I have said goodbye to weights I have carried on my shoulders for over twenty years. Even if I do not achieve my goals in those respects, I have done the work. For that, and for support in that (Face, that's you, and Lilley), I am grateful.
Last year, it was vulnerability I invited in, with or without the Spanish accent that so suits that word. This year, something else, as useful and as powerful, I hope: listening, trust, surrender. Oh, and love of so many kinds. I've had a good start this year. This blog (and the practice that goes with it) has allowed me to be so much freer with love and warmth and compliments, with openness to people and new things.
This year is full of action and of work. This year, it's time to buckle down and get shit done, in the playfullest of ways. Think of a child who's lost in the painting she's doing, or who's so engrossed in the make believe game she's playing that she doesn't even lift her head. Focus and play do not exclude each other. Listening. Attention. Really hearing. That's a goal for this year. And so, so many more.
I am so grateful for Kate, who loves to play this game and who inspires me. For the wonderful, creative idea-mongers, loving spirits and playing people who surround me. Don't I have a nice time? Yes, I really do.
Next year, I'll get a home. Even as soon as January. I'll miss Ruth, of course, as I miss Kate, but it will be just fine. I'll visit, and I'll make things good. It's time to have a home again, even for a few months. Maybe I'll live in Berlin this summer. Perhaps I'll spend some time in Austria, in the mountains.
If 2012 is even half as rich as this past year has been, we're in for a stonker. I know I am. I hope you are too. Oh, I do so very hope so. Strap in, have fun. This one's going to count.
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