Super-quick live, online blog. Just like that! Boom!Thank you for my friend CJS's blog*. I haven't been able to read it because I've had so little time online. Now I've had some (see day ninety of her blog for a brilliant description of the kind of behaviour I have exhibited today). I just had a feast and I loved it.
I'm full of awe and gratitude for Robin Ince. He's bloody good, him. Brilliant. Fascinating. Passionate. Engaging and totally engaged. He is a performer to be reckoned with and very much enjoyed. I love seeing someone do something so well. He was the keynote speaker at this conference I'm at. He made me laugh and cry (three times) during his 2-hour set. He rocked it and he was wonderfully full of meaning.
Robin Ince changed my life. Well, he did. Having seen him do ten minutes at a gig in Edinburgh this year, I was then offered work with BAE Systems. Mr Ince had mentioned them, and until he did, I'd gone with the 'aerospace' in the title and thought they were some kind of governing body for airlines. When I found out they make arms, I rethought. Two days later, the work came in and although the decision took me a while to enact (I needed the money, the opportunity being offered to me, had it not been for them, was wonderful) but in fact, it had been made pretty much instantly. Each time I got close to saying yes, my belly filled with stone and told me no.
So no it was. Then, later, I had to do it all again, this time very explicitly, and full of fear, because the stakes were higher and my money pot lower still. But I did, and that very day, work came rolling in from other sources to help me out. Grateful in retrospect for that. I was full of thanks.
I got to thank him, that Mr Ince. He was in the same venue as us for one of his shows (because he is a good egg and still does Free Fringe shows as well as all his massively lucrative paid ones, to help promote it). He was very gracious, and got all passionate about the subject again. Good man.
I had moments of loneliness today. I'm at a conference full of people who know each other, and I only know one person, very popular and in demand. I am a little out of my depth. Not because I can't do this - of course I can. I go to things where I don't know people all the time. I suppose today, I don't know what it is I have in common with many, apart from being here.
And I'm the imposter. It's a Unitarian conference and I'm not a Unitarian or a church-goer of any kind. I'm also working, preparing for my event on Monday, so not really going to as many workshops as I otherwise would (though I have to be honest - I spent some of those hours on distraction techniques today, so I could have gone to more, and perhaps met people who'd have been happy to go to lunch.
As it was, I sat, alone and twattish, at a big table and ate, surrounded by tables full of people chatting. I felt stupid and frustrated, but there are two things at least that mitigate such a situation. First, I could have gone and sat with a tableful of people, had I had the nerve. I could have just imposed myself, or found anyone I'd even only ever made eye contact with before, and sat down next to them. It's one thing I really feel very uncomfortable doing, and I chickened out.
And secondly, I've been told many times that I look either serene and comfortable when on my own (which I often am) or aloof and stand-offish (which I am too, I suppose). So people don't approach me. Because I don't need it, or because I look a little bit too scary. Perhaps both these things explain quite a lot. Let's not get into that, though.
I am grateful for being (just about) still awake. And about to do some more work.
The image above came, in a convoluted way, from 'self-sufficient woman'. It reminded me of someone recently saying she considers herself, as a woman, partly decoration. That's something to discuss another time - or my promise at the start of this blog will be far too broken. In the meantime: please discuss.
* http://reasonstokeeponbreathing.blogspot.com/2012/02/day-eighty-eight-butter-fingers.html
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