Exhausted and a little bit backwards gratitudy bits today.
I'm grateful that today is now over, and that it went in a positive direction. I found my work today challenging, some of it in a good way, some of it not so much. It improved, though, and I learnt some things.
I learnt that my confidence in speaking German would benefit if I just lived here properly for a little while - a few months, maybe. It's a vocabulary thing, for one, and a familiarity thing. It's a question of having a slightly greater level of flexibility with the language than I currently have. It's not far off, not at all. I understand now that I sound very German indeed. My accent is good and I speak fluidly. Which means that if a word doesn't come, sometimes i just come across a bit nervous.
I learnt today just to speak more slowly and take more time. Play high status a little bit more. Say less, with more conviction. Smile less, perhaps. Move my head more slowly. Funny how such small things really do make a difference. My impact in the second session was much greater, just because of them. Learnt!
I also learnt (and of course, this is not news, not in the least), that I am the person who is hardest on me. I am harsh and unforgiving of the slightest mistake. I make it very hard for me to fail. I spend so much energy beating myself for not being perfect that it takes me that little bit longer to fix things and makes me that little bit more annoying to work with. Not awful, however. Just a bit tiresome at times. I'll get there.
I realise also how not Zen I am. I do let things get to me. I do struggle with things. I coudl do a lot more accepting, as a day-to-day thing. That would help. And on a positive side, I learnt that I really do love playing with a group. I love the buzz of connecting with them, even when it's hard. And I can talk to anyone. Esther Lilley has helped so much with that. If you can, like she does, make everyone in a group feel important, and that you have a special connection with them, then you're in for a fascinating, rewarding, juicy time.
But I did it. It was hard, I think, but it was worth it. And I did it. And the client was undoubtedly happy. In all the sessions, even when I was all fretty about my own performance... the evidence is that it's working. That's good.
I am so grateful for patient, funny Lucy, clown-faced Charlotte and reliable rock Klemens. I'm grateful that they let me dither with my stress and didn't try to fix me, and that they all did their jobs so well. And for our warm-up game before session 2. They're good things, warm-ups. We played the very simple throwing a click game. We played gently, then slow-motion, super-speed, matrix-stlyee. I love to play. I love it. More of that, please.
The gratitude that swelled in my heart and in my mouth when the Wienerschnitzel arrived this afternoon was beyond what's reasonable, but it really did. And thank you to the waiter who, unbidden, brought us plates of salad from the self-serve salad bar and set them down. That sweetcorn and pepper combo made me very happy, sir, as did your gesture.
Thank you for patient friends: Claire, Rob, Celine, Esther Lilley, Vic, Sarah Lonton, Yessica, Laura, Adeel, Amanda Garcia, Sandra, Sue & Amy, oh, so many more. I'm sorry I'm not really here right now. I miss you. And Ruth, I miss you too, even though we've been in touch a little.
I'm grateful for the luxury of internet tonight. I had to sort something out online today, so I paid silly money for hotel internet, thinking others might like to share. That was a silly idea, but it does mean that here I am, enjoying the pleasure of live, online blogging, and not worrying about getting cut off.
The snow pleased me greatly today, just light and understated. Drifting gently, like decoration, glitter in the sky, picked out by light. And the moon. Very bold and bright, up high, with wispy clouds passing in front. I could have stood and looked. I could have howled. I probably should have.
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