Day 313: Big Old Days

Good times.

Good times. They really are. I feel very lucky that I got to do a workshop with an absolute legend (in so many ways), for less than free and I got to have a really delightful time with him and with one of the easiest groups I've ever been part of. Lots of really very nice people who were happy to be there, hungry to try things and lots of fun to play with. I'm humbledly grateful and very happy. And I LOVED my hosting role. It was exactly the distraction I needed to let me relax. I'll remember that. It's worked for me before. It's a goer. 

Not much of what we did was stuff I'd never done before, or at least read, but it was delivered with such layers. And simplicity. A bit of a masterclass, really, above all in status (learnt more from observing how he was teaching the class than I did even from straightforward listening). And with such warm good humour. Yes. Lovely.

We did some wonderful scenes that make me really want to go back to mask and clowning more and more. I love the stupidity of clown. I love its playfulness. I love the simplicity and the nakedness. And I like acting like a twat. I got to really play and I loved it. I wonder if i could be the straight 'man' woman. It'd be very entertaining meat to try. 

I've learnt a number of things that I'd like to work on - letting the action happen rather than running at it like a drug squad with a battering ram. I've also learnt a number of things that people have liked. I'm inspired to try more stuff now. I'm running a session tomorrow, which is fabulous. I also want to play more generally. I'm inspired. And I'm going to write. New blog idea. Not sure yet if it'll replace this or accompany it for a while. It's definitely going to happen though. And the cartoons.

I liked the French. Ian (pronounced Yan) and Emanuel. And Bruno - an actual space agent, builder of lunar probes. And Maina. Eugenio (Italian) had a beautiful face and was great to watch on stage. Lots of very pretty women. Francesca and her wonderful cheekbones and eyes. Maina. Amy. Agnes (who reminds me, oddly, of a girl I had a tiny fling with at Yoooniversity, until I found out that she was only 18 and it all felt a bit odd). Handsome men, one or two. Very pleasing, many. I think the two that I liked the most - one I fancied, one I loved - may have been a couple. Not sure though. Maybe just very bonded. 

Right there.

I feel at once excitable and lacky. I have a little ache in my belly. Solar plexus area, really. It's nagging. Yes, I want adventure and I also want to get the sense that I'm really moving forward, in work, in life, in all sorts. I want to travel. I want to be genuinely afraid and not sure what the next thing to do is AND I want some stability. I want a home, a place to live that's mine. I realise I'd really like a studio - perhaps one that's NOT in my home. I love the feeling of going somewhere else. I really do need a home of my own, though, if I'm sticking around for a bit. And yes, it's back, that nag. I want to get the feeling I'm going somewhere.

Right - now for an accountant and a business coach. I'm having one session on Tuesday morning. It's with someone whose slogan has given me pain in my belly. Hmmm. Interesting choice. So here's the slogan:  A better world. Powered by women. Why does that bother me so much? I can't deny, AT ALL that there are significant gender differences. I've been trying to for years and it just doesn't wash. That doesn't make it exclusive or sweeping, but there are a lot of differences in ways of behaving, whether natural or learnt. There's something about the inference of that slogan, though, that twists me a bit. 

When I was little, I always joined the boys in the 'Boys are fantastic, girls are elastic' chant. Elastic was an insult, in my head. Or just a convenient rhyme used as a slur. I've never felt good saying 'women are better'. It's not that I think they're not the same as men. I think it's that I don't like the dichotomy it reinforces to make a thing out of being female. It's uncomfortable enough to be worth exploring. The last coach I had specialised in working with women too. In some ways, that was a very successful enterprise; in others not as much. Interesting, though, and definitely worthwhile.

Why waste the time?
Just walk the fuck forward.

I think what I shall do is contact a number of coaches and get a 'quote' from each. I'm not going to decide until I've spoken to at least three. And I'm not going to commit to a relationship with one until I'm really sure that I've found someone I'm really excited about working with, and congruent in my belly too. And someone I can play with and allow myself to be driven and inspired by. Yes... feeling better about THAT already.

Seriously, though.

I've noticed a failure to follow through on a few things - workshops I want to run, connections I want to make, books I want to write - and I want to change that. What did Rob say (he's good, that Rob, isn't he)? He said 'Don't write a practice play, write the thing you want to write. Stop doing exercises and do the real thing.' It doesn't have to be good, does it? But it does have to be done. 


Fuck, I could really go on and on and on tonight, but I have to get some rest. Free yoga tomorrow. That's good, isn't it? I think it is.