Oh... I'm full of all kinds of emotion today. I think I've upset someone and I'm a little bit sad about the situation, but at the same time I know that it's just... to be accepted. You know when you think you have a bit of currency with someone that allows you to be familiar and perhaps playful. Then you realise that possibly you blatantly haven't got that right at all. I'm sorry. I may be wrong. Or I may just have been much more tactless than I think. My intentions were good, though.
I'm always going to warm to a man who's comfortable acting like a twat, especially if he's intelligent and funny too. However, I also understand that you can't force it. Other people have their own shit going on and that's more important. Until it's not. And then, well, there's a different outcome. Maybe. It's not long ago that I'd have spent a really long time kicking the shit out of myself for 'saying the wrong thing', for being tactless, an utter idiot, and for being stupid enough to even think... (etc.) I'm grateful to say that I'm not doing that to any great extent. I'm obviously bothered, but not cruelly so.
Ha - I really want to be 'right', thus making the other 'wrong'. Only I don't want that really. It's just a way of protecting myself from something there's no need to be protected from. I was interested, and he was (at one stage) but in a different way. It's just the way things are. It's nice to be becoming a bit more open and tiny bit by tiny bit, a little bit more vulnerable - even though I still feel the pull in a few different directions on that front. I could be a LOT braver. Next step. Next step...And oh, that water - cold and clement. Dancing with rain. I got there as the rush was leaving. The changing room was packed. The pond itself was empty, apart from me. The mandarin ducks were out in force, all ornate, the boys, and the girls all delicate. Mel, the pleasing South African woman, offered to help me with a place to live and texted with news. I like her. I'm pleased we've swapped numbers. Perhaps we'll keen each other along to swim when the going gets tougher.
The Dalek train announcement - how could I have forgotten? I took probably the slowest train in London from St Pancras to East Croyden. It's announcement at St Pancras was so Dalek-like that I wondered if there was some Doctor Who event on and it was an original voiceover clip. I loved it. I shared a smile with an elderly man on the platform. I was about to rave about it, but he'd gone back into formal mode. Great, though. Oh, and thank you SO much for three new jobs today, to be done at different times. If they all come off, I've just quadrupled my income for the two days of work I cancelled, in the same amount of time. That's good, isn't it? And The Challenge have invited me to come and do some more work with them. I'm delighted, flattered, honoured and it's all enjoyable work with good people. That's what work is about. This is where I want to go.
I love that I'm surrounded by fucking amazing people who are very positive and solvey. Resourceful. I've loved my day today. I got to visit lovely J and her boys again. I loved the differences between them and how open they are. Little people. F (not yet 4) picked up my phone for me announced that he'd put it in my bag for me (so it wouldn't get damaged/lost). I liked how playful they are, how sand can keep them happy for a significant length of time (extended by puddles/any form of water). I also love that J (not yet 2?) jumps up and down pretty much most of the time, often quite simply out of glee. They both have very big eyes and long lashes, like the prettiest cows, only prettier boys. Both Mike and J have told me to fuck off this evening. Makes me feel at home.
So, fuck off, the lot of you. I love you. Night night.
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